Tuesday, April 03, 2007


Today, while I was waiting in line to get a bagel for lunch, I heard what can only be described as a baby seal.

I look around, see nothing, and resume my air of nonchalantness.

As the crowd parts, the baby seal continues.

I notice then a young boy, probably around 5 or 6 years of age, with his ass hanging out of his pants standing next to what can only be his grandmother.

OR, his mother, since if that kid was mine, I'd look like I was about 87 too.

Anyway, he's just a' bobbin' and dancing around like he's the king of the donut shop, all the while, his jogging pants are sliding down a little more.

I supress my usual gag and move over to the next line.

If you've ever seen someone fall, or driven by a car accident, you know that it's nearly impossible to look away.

Much like it was this afternoon.

You want to stop looking, don't you?

But you can't.

This kid is huge.

I'm talking Maury Povich huge.

Like, so huge he's probably going to have to be crane lifted out of the wall they remove from the side of his house when he gets older since he's stuck to his couch and can't find the remote because it's stuck in the folds of his stomach since he ate t-bones for breakfast and so many KFC family buckets for bedtime snacks and woke up in the middle of the night for ding dongs and ho-ho's and probably has chicken wings stuck in his hair.

That kind of huge.

He was literally a back with a crack.

It was deplorable.

I am served next so I grab my bagel and make my way to the food court to eat and read in peace.

I am sitting for approximately 15 seconds when I hear a bark.

You guessed it.

They brought the barnyard to me.

Granny/Mom is barking (She's actually coughing, but it seems more like a bark to me) and the kid is making seal noises again.

He's totally hopped up on the KFC meal he just had and the 4 donuts he's got in front of him.

Thankfully he's sitting and I can't see his asscrack anymore.

I would have had to throw out a perfectly good bagel and that's just a waste!

**I should tell you that Phoque (French) translates to Seal in English.**


pezda said...

It's all a conspiriacy by our soon to be alien overlords. Fatten us up, dumb us down, serve with fries.

Lynda said...

Walmart boy found his way to your town, eh?

stilettoheights said...

I feel like I could have written this, we are kindred spirits.

I live in one of the fattest cities in the country...all the piglets here look like that.

The Boob Lady said...

pezda: They're on a good roll if that's the idea.

Lynda: I think we all share a Wal-Mart boy. He's everywhere.

Stilettoheights: My kindred spirit. Squee!!

Skylers Dad said...

Amazing to look around and see what has happened to kids, isn't it?

I remember being so active that my parents took me to the doctor because they were worried about how skinny I was.

The Boob Lady said...

Skylers Dad: I know, me too, I was always out and about running wildly. Look at me now. :)

Crazy Eddie said...

I said hot damn!! Not one to watch Maury, I have seen these little obese fatties and it's quite frightening...

The way you described this corpulent kiddy had me rollin' in hysterics. With an 8-pack of hot dogs on the back of their necks and their howls of hunger radiating every 3 minutes, I blame the effing parents. Chances are these parents are living large to boot.

Besos 4 ever

Erica AP said...

It's like those parents have no clue as to how their kid looks or behaves. So weird that you have to stare...

ThePapaDog said...

It's hard not to star at something like that. It's like when you see a really ugly person. You can't actually believe someone is that freaking ugly...

Anon. Blogger said...

A couple of years ago I was at one of those big water parks. As my friend and I sad and watched we were shocked. Here we were middle aged moms wearing conservative suits to be modest about our figure flaws.... meanwhile, young kids were walking around in bikinis with their bellies gangling down... yuck. At least they should learn to cover a few places, just to be considerate. I mean, I'm not asking for distorted body images, or freakish perfections here... just courtesy.

alexgirl said...

Oh my god that was hilarious. Sa and wrong, but hilarious.
"He was literally a back with a crack."
priceless. ;)

Jen said...


Emma said...

SCARY. just the other day i used that top picture of the chubby boy in the wrestling suit to illustrate an email i sent to my friend called "how fat will emma get if she continues to scarf illegally chocolatey things and drink nothing but iced coffee? THIS fat."
i googled "fat boy."
is that what you did?

The Boob Lady said...

Crazy Eddie: I don't often watch either, but I distinctly remember throwing up a little in my mouth when I saw these little chubbs. I love your "8 pack of hot dogs" comment. Laughing out loud.

Erica: YES! That's exactly it. You can't NOT stare.

ThePapaDog: I know ey? Ugliness is so sad. I'm so happy that I'm at least semi-attractive.

Anon Blogger: I know. It's like the much seen "Muffin Top." It just ain't right.

alexgirl: Thank you. *Bows*

Jen: Amen.

Emma: I google image'd "fat babies." That's what I got. :)