Monday, April 09, 2007

Hair, There, And Everywhere...

Things I wish I'd said to the sketchbags in the mall today:
First, I'd like to say thanks. Thanks for coming to the mall today. It was great having you. It's people like you that keep the mall open.

Oh, wait, no it's not. Want to know why? It's cause you don't buy jack shit. You walk around with an empty shopping cart so that you can put your (Insert inanimate object here) in it.

To Grandma: You do 178 laps of the mall without buying a thing. You sit in the food court and play scratch off Bingo while I eat my lunch.

To Whippersnappers: I know that my mannequins look cold. Staring at hard plastic nipples while giggling and grabbing your friends sleeve to come look too isn't making them any warmer.

To the lady with a bad case of Hockey Hair: Do you not have friends? Someone should really beat some fucking sense into you. Seriously. It looks like you were bobbing for french fries.

To the other lady who looked like Joe Dirt: Maybe you and Hockey Hair here should team up and put your mullet power to good use. You could probably wrangle up some more losers and start a hair band.

To the drunk guy that came into my store right before I was leaving tonight: Please. Please do not ever come back to my store while you reek of distillery. It is not a turn on. How does one shop drunk anyway? Your wife isn't going to wear the bra and panty set you bought her tonight since you'll have liquor dick anyway!

Come to the mall and drop some cash. I don't expect you to fork over hundreds of dollars, but pulling things off my racks and letting them fall to the floor is no way to behave. Would you do that at your own place?


Lynda said...

I know they call you the Boob Lady, but how many racks do you have? And that is rude, pulling things off of them. I bet they don't even ask first. ANIMALS!

Emma said...

oh my god.
i know.
when i see people putting their narsty hands all over the displays i have spent like an eternity color coding (and i am barely getting paid, okay?) i really kind of want to rough them up. or at least charge them double for whatever hideous thing they buy to go out on their loserish excursions to meet shiny-faced acne ridden boys who smoke a lot of pot and will ultimately wind up working at a gas station and paying alimony to seven different women.
i'm sorry, i am so bitter right now and my feet are swollen from chasing annoying customers around all day.
retail sucks.

Anon. Blogger said...

I worked retail at one time. I ran a small ladies clothing store.

I feel your pain. Some days, expecially Mondays, tested me!! Saturdays almost killed me, and Fridays sucked because on Friday nights I had to think about getting up in the morning!!!

The worst people marched their sorry asses into the store 5 minutes before close, tried on 50 million two piece items, left them on the floor of the fitting room and left 30-45 minutes after close... and bought nothing.

I'll have to do a post on my one and only opportunity to be a 'secret shopper'. I decided that the job was 'salesperson abuse' and choose to not participate!!

Tomorrow is Tuesday, hope its better!! :-)

Scarlet said...

People that knock things of hangers and LEAVE them on the floor...oooh they shit me. They look at it on the floor then look to see if anyone noticed...oooh I stare back, HARD!

stilettoheights said...

oh you brought mall flashbacks back to me...I have PTSD from years of retail.

Love the term "Hockey Hair" and "liquor dick"

Frank Sirmarco said...

People who work retail should be held in the same regard as people who teach or help the poor.

I've only worked retail once in my life, and I almost ended up in a clock tower with a high-power rifle.

Dave Evanns said...

Joe Dirt rules!

Erica AP said...

I hate it when I'm with someone in the store and they put something back where it doesn't go... I'm like - you know someones got to put it back in the right spot... And usually they don't care and I end up putting it back... Bastards that have never worked in retail!!!

Jen said...

How I loathe Hockey Hair...

furiousBall said...

There was a friend of mine once that filmed what he thought would be a funny movie. He walked around the mall with a blind person's cane and would walk into stores and knock all of their shit over. The salespeople would come over and try to help. He would then whack them with the cane or continue to fling shit around. It turned out pretty sad, the salespeople were only trying to help this disabled person being an asshole.

You know captain liquor dick was probably shopping for Mrs. Joe Dirt.

pezda said...

So, are mullets still big in Canada? I don't see them so often in Ohio anymore.

Grant Miller said...

"Hockey Hair" is that a Canadian term?

Skylers Dad said...

I worked for years in a slightly different retail world, a ski shop.

Most of our business revolved around renting skis, boots, and poles to the wonderfully patient, kind-hearted, "sure I understand I am one of 50 people in here" folks who were our customers.

Everybody wanted the best equipment in the world, for the lowest prices, because I sure ain't carving up my skis until there is some good snow up there. And oh by the way, make it snappy there Skippy...

I was too young and dumb to honestly think about taking someones life, just as, you know, an example...

The Boob Lady said...

Lynda: I only have one true rack. They are total animals too.

Emma: I KNOW!!! I almost want to cry. Then I want to judo chop them in the throat.

Anon. Blogger: Yesterday indeed tested me. I have one regular who comes in at about 4 minutes to 9 and stays until almost 10. I hate her.

Scarlet: They shit me too. I can't stand it, I purposely stride over with a sneer and make a huge show of re-hanging it. Assholes.

Stilettoheights: I do believe I will have PTSD. I think maybe I have Stockholm Syndrome right now.

Frank Sirmarco: I'm glad you didn't end up in the clock tower. Although, you would be famous.

Dave Evanns: Tell me about it!

Erica AP: You rock. Will you marry me?

Jen: It's the worst.

furiousBall: That does sound hilarious though. If it happened to me, notsomuch, but someone else? Amazing.

pezda: They're big enough that I've got blog fodder for years.

Grant Miller: No. But since you are so awesome, I can see why it wouldn't be in your repertoire.

Skylers Dad: Skippy. I love it. I feel your pain my brother.