Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Day Off?

The dictionary describes a day off in the following two ways:

Day Off:
A day away from work, school, or a similar obligation; a free day.

Day Off:
n : a day when you are not required to work; "Thursday is his day off"


This is a farce. The dictionary is full of bold faced lies.

On my day off, I did the following:

Made bed
Did dishes
Swept floors
Vacuumed carpets
Put away dishes
Paid Bills
Cleaned up after messy cats
Prepared ingredients for supper
Went to store to buy treats for said messy cats
Typed Blog
Surfed net for about 10 minutes
Cleaned up after messy cats
Checked email
Sent email
Checked other blogs
Listened to iPod while doing all of the above
Talked to Mother, Brother, and Friend
Cleaned up after messy cats

Day off? I did more work today then I do AT work. And it's not even half over yet.
I've yet to shower, or read. I need to read to relax.

I'm off to read before getting in the shower so that I can read again after I'm clean.

I am now clean.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Friday's Playlist

My Friday is over and I plan on relaxing for the rest of the evening (Until I return to work tomorrow). I will curl up with a good book and slap on some tunes. Here is my choice playlist (In no particular order) for aforementioned event.

1. Bright Eyes - On My Way To Work
2. Rilo Kiley - With Arms Outstretched
3. Aqualung - Falling Out Of Love
4. Wintersleep - Butterfly
5. Foo Fighters - Razor
6. Rilo Kiley - Glendora

7. Gary Jules - Mad World
8. John Legend - Do What I Gotta Do
9. Prince - Seven
10. Mobile - See Right Through Me
11. Queens of the Stone Age - Little Sister (One of these things just doesn't belong here)
12. Sparta - Breaking the Broker
13. Sufjan Stevens - The Dress Looks Nice On You
14. Sufjan Stevens - To Be Alone With You
15. David Gray - Babylon
16. The Stills - Still In Love Song
17. Pilate - Lover Come In
18. Sarah McLaughlan - Posession
19. Sarah McLaughlan - Good Enough

Thursday, October 19, 2006


Sharp- intake of breath
Arched back, lips pursed

Slow- release of air, fireworks
Toes Curled, eyes closed

Tight- calves, teeth clenched
Heaving chest, curling smile

Hair- falling softly across pillows
Sheets tangled up in limbs.

Crescendo- of rain, outside windows
Dark creeps in, sleep comes.

Minions Deux..

My night is almost over.

I am exhausted.

I am eating Twizzlers one after the other.

I am secretly reading my book behind a rack of robes so that the security cameras can't see me.

I am chugging Pepsi.

I hear screaming.

I hear whining.

I see minions.

Two of them. Dear God no.

I say a silent prayer. Nobody answers it.

They come in.

Their mother is not at fault for giving birth to two of Rosemary's babies, she just needed to go shopping.

In they roll, I am frozen. I can't hide anymore. There's nowhere for me to go. I contemplate hiding in a change room, but can't leave the store unattended. I straighten up, and greet the family.

Mom came by to tell me that her purchase was fantastic, and that she was very pleased, and more people should be like me. It made me happy to know that I'd done a good job with Rosemary, and even though I had to put up with the blond brats, she bought something.

On their way out, one of the pint sized brats says:

"Can I have some candy nice lady?"

How could I resist.

Plus, Mom will have to get them down off their sugar high later.

Duffle Shuffle

It's me.

I know that now.

I alone attract the weirdos.

As usual, it was a pretty uneventful day.

That is until I went to grab some supper.

I went to the store to grab a Pepsi, and while waiting in line behind a 143 year old lady counting out coupons and pennies for her Depends, I noticed that there was a tall black man standing eerily close to me.

Carrying a large green duffle bag.

I thought nothing of it, that is, until said duffle bag man yells in my ear:

"What kind of music do you like just askin'."

There was no break in the sentence. No punctuation mark between the question about my taste in music and the statement that he was "just askin'."

I look at the cashier nervously, she almost imperceptibly shrugs, while stifling a giggle, and then turn slightly to duffle man.

He is looking directly into my eyes and being a close talker. He repeats the question.

I do not like close talkers, I back up. I feel awkward. So should you.

He comes closer and starts to open his bag. At this point, I've paid, I'm ready to go eat, and I'm slightly terrified.

Once his duffle is open, he is closer to me, and he begins to lift the flap of the bag. Inside, he tells me, are clocks. With posters of "my favorite" bands on them. Or, at least, someone's favorite bands.

He tells me they are selling for $30.00 a piece, and asks me if I want one.

I politely decline, and go for supper.

Random much?

Monday, October 16, 2006


Since everyone else was doing it, and since I always answered "Yes" when my mother asked me if I would jump off a bridge if everyone else was doing it too, I decided to grace you all with my playlist for today. (More or less the same playlist I've been listening too all week, but mostly today...)

1) This Could Be Anywhere - Alexisonfire
2) Brighter Than Sunshine - Aqualung
3) Together - The Raconteurs
4) Slow Dancing in a Burning Room - John Mayer
5) Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
6) Can You Feel It - Nelly Furtado
7) How To Save A Life - The Fray
8) Doctor Blind - Emily Haines
9) Diary Of Jane - Breaking Benjamins
10) Hole In The Earth - Deftones
11) Lover Come In - Pilate
12) Psycho Ball and Chain - The Creepshow
13) Comin' Home - City and Color
14) Possession (Cover) - Evans Blue
15) Sidewalk When She Walks - Alexisonfire
16) She's Walking Out - The Stills
17) We Might Fall - Ryan Star
18) Roxanne - Sting and the Police
19) Africa - Toto
20) Into Temptation - Crowded House
21) Son's Gonna Rise - Citizen Cope
22) What's the Altitude - Cut Chemist
23) Enjoy The Silence - Depeche Mode
24) Mushaboom - Feist
25) Lover, You Should Have Come Over - Jeff Buckley

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Satan's Minions

I've been to Hell. Let me tell you, it ain't pretty.

On the eve of Friday the 13th, I was to work the morning shift.

I went through most of my day without distraction, accident, or disturbance.

That is until one of my girls had to go home sick and there was no replacement.

Let me rephrase that. I was the only replacement.

So, instead of getting off at 6 like I was supposed to, I worked a double. With no pee break.

And no supper.

Then I had to schedule myself to work ON Friday the 13th.

My day off.

So, I start the second leg of my double, and all seems to be going relatively smoothly, considering.

About a half an hour into the pee-less, supper-less evening, a mother and her two young boys came into the store.

They were adorable, they looked like little twins, although they were about two years apart.

Blond hair, blue eyes, little angels right?


The two little beasts started to run around the store while mom was asking me about bras and matching panties.

When I say running, I mean, bobbing, weaving, interlacing themselves within my racks. They were rolling on the floor, giggling maniacally.

I swear, at one point, one of them had red eyes.

Mom excuses herself, turns to the brats, and scolds them appropriately.

Wrong again.

Next, younger Satan spawn starts to circle the panty table like a shark circling its prey.

As mom continues talking, I'm nodding and smiling, all the while keeping my eyes on the little hellion.

Next thing I know, I've gasped out loud.

Mom turns around just in time to see Bratty McBratterson clawing at clumps of panties and dropping them in piles on the floor.

We're talking about 175 pairs of panties.

I shit you not.

Mother promptly turns away, apologizing profusely and tells me she will return once she has them restrained.

About 15 minutes later, mom and the Bobbsey Twins come back.

Mother is calmer, the twins are strapped into a stroller so that they can't properly move any extremities and/or wreak havoc.

A sigh of relief escapes my lips and I am able to make a sale.

This is the first time in my entire life that I seriously contemplated bodily harm against a person under the age of 3.

Pray for my soul.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Do You Have Any Silkier Ones?

A seemingly ordinary day at work today quickly turned into one of the funniest days I've had in a very long time.

The unequivocal highlight of my day came at approximately 3 pm. This is the time when a small french gentleman of about 30 came into the store.

He wandered aimlessly for a few minutes, (As most of them do) and had initially refused our attempts to aid him with his purchase.

Moments passed, we went about our business, helping other customers, moving things, generally trying to look busy.

Finally, the gentleman went over to T, asked her if we had any of a particular panty that might be a little silkier than the ones on display.

She showed him an array of underwear, but still, he wasn't satisfied.

It should be known that we try our damndest to assist gentlemen shoppers with a purchase for their women. We have a great success rate.

T went about her business, showing the panty man some of our finer selections, while the gentleman nodded, smiled, generally seeming normal.

He spoke about being out shopping with his sister, having to meet her, things like that.

It wasn't until right before he left that he mentioned that one particular pair wasn't far off the pair that he was wearing, and did T think that the medium would fit him.

I only caught the tail end of the conversation, but apparently, depending on who you ask, I came in at either the right, or wrong time.

After he left, (Without purchasing) T looked over at me, made sure that I had caught the exchange, and like the professional she is, went back about her business.

We stole glances and snickers from eachother for the rest of the day.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Mental Picture of the Day

I recently had a mature woman come in to the store looking for bathing suits for an upcoming trip down south.

I showed her my selection and she asked if she could try some on.

I gathered her choices and set them in the fitting room. Not expecting to see her for some time.

A few moments later, I hear a hushed "Psst.. Excuse me Miss?"

"Yes, what can I do for you?"

"Can you tell me how this looks?"

"Sure." I reply.

Dear Lord above. I truly, truly wish I hadn't agreed to offer my opinion.

I am an honest worker, I tell my customers the truth. Which is part of the reason most of them are repeats.

This time, however, I wish that I had been with someone else at the time.

*****************Disturbing Mental Picture Begin*****************

The bathing suit was 3 sizes too small, hugged said "Mature" woman in all the wrong spots, gave her what I have termed "Hungry Bum", and the ever present camel toe.

Also, there were several tufts of unruly short and curlies peeking out from the bikini line.

All of our customers are aware that they must keep on their undergarments before trying on items of "intimate" nature, and this woman obliged, but I could see her underwear, under the bathing suit, and this STILL didn't stop the little buggers from showing themselves.

*****************End Disturbing Mental Picture*****************

I stifled a sob, smiled politely, told her that the suit looked fantastic, and that she should definitely buy it.

And the matching cover-up.

And some slippers. (Why slippers you ask? Why not slippers?)

Hell, if you're going to make my eyes bleed, the very least you can do is spend some money.

Where am I?

I have no concept of time anymore.

All of my days run together, my weekends are actually one day, usually smack dab in the middle of the week.

Not that I can complain. I make the scedules after all, but that's the beauty of being the manager.

You'd think with a fancy title like that, that I'd be able to swing weekends off and great shifts.

Not so.

Someone today mentioned that they were happy that it was Friday since they could start their weekend.

"It's Friday?" I sputtered.

I honestly thought it was Wednesday.

I was so mad I could have spit.

I was thisclose to giving them a roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris style.

Picture it. You know you want to.