It got done.
Properly this time.
By a professional.
Thank God.
It's lovely.
And not nearly as painful as I had imagined.
OR, as painful as I made it when I attempted to do a professionals work myself, in my bathroom, with no mirror, while hunched over and sitting on the toilet.
You're welcome for the visual. (I should actually be apologizing...)
Okay, so I didn't do it.
Well, not completely...
I started, really, I did.
I wasn't fully prepared to flay myself out on a chaise lounge in some overpriced salon, so I bought a home Brazilian kit.
96.8% of it is still in the container in my purse.
Sweet Mother Fuck.
It hurt.
A lot.
I read all the instructions, prepared the "non-waxy, creamy" textured Satan GOO according to microwave directions.
Next, I spread it on as per said instructions, but since I'm a vagina waxing virgin, I started with a loonie sized drop of the horrible green sludge.
Notsofuckingmuch.
It was a "non-strip" kit, which meant you slather the shit on, wait a moment for it to cool, cock your leg up on the sink, pull up a small corner, brace yourself, bite down on a leather strap, and pull.
Long, sad story short, I look a wee bit like a cheetah downtown.
Schick it is.
Hey Kids,
I'm moving!
Not only am I moving out of my little crack shack, I'm moving into a real live house!!
My internet will be away until the 7th, and I know you're all thinking; "It's not like the bitch is posting anything lately anyway, I don't know why she thinks we care." but, I do.
Think you care that is.
Really.
Don't you?
I promise, I'll be back.
I literally open my Blogger every single day with the intention of posting something witty and clever, but I just can't do it.
My poor mind is frazzled and on overload.
Please forgive my asshole-yness.
I totally saw Mother Fuckin' Cookie Ears at the mall the other night..
I damn near shit my pants.
Her flowing Brillo Pad hair was tucked ever so gently behind them, which only served to accentuate the sheer size of her mammoth hearing vessels.
Seriously, I can't shake her.
Perhaps that small hole I noticed in my neck last year around this time was actually a GPS unit Cookies had installed to keep track of me.
All I hear as I type this are the lyrics to Somebody's Watching Me, by Rockwell...
Creepy.
To Brazil.
I'm going to need the ladies on this one..
Men, I'm sure you're going to comment as well..
So, girls, how do you feel about Brazilian waxing?
I'm on the fence..
Oh, how I've missed you..
Seriously, I thought about you every day.
Still do.
I don't know how I could treat you this way.
I'm a much better person than that.
I've slacked and that's just plain unacceptable.
I've got so many hilarious stories from the new store, I don't even know where to start..
I'm going to have to compile a short story book and send it to you all.
Would you read it?
I went to the pharmacy a few minutes ago to pick up a few amenities.
I get to the counter and the young gentleman who served me rings up my purchases and then tells me my total.
I hand over my money and my points card and he says:
"Thank you ma'am."
I snort a little and say:
"Ma'am!?"
(Completely kidding of course..)
He says:
"It's the polite thing to say!"
"Of course", I say.
He says; "Well, if you were in your twenties, I would have said Miss."
...
I am in my twenties.
For three more years.
Three FULL years.
DAMMIT!!
The following is my first guest post from none other that Captain Smack...
I'm sure you will be entertained!
-------
(In tonight's episode, The part of The Boob Lady will be played by Captain Smack.)
I never thought I'd be saying this, but I just don't get the kids today. Have you seen the new crop of kids? What is it with these idiots? They can't seem to do anything right. They can't drive worth a crap, they don't know the difference between a credit card and a debit card, they can't hold down a job. They have no sense of civic responsibility, they never show up at the polls on election day... they haven't bothered to learn to read or write or do math. Hell, most of the one's I've met don't even know how to walk or talk. No, they just lay around all day, drooling on themselves and making funny noises.
And, frankly, they smell weird.
These people contribute almost nothing to society, and yet they expect their “Mommies” to take care of them. It's truly pathetic. And the worst part is that that's exactly what these mommies do! They coddle them and fawn all over them, feed them, dress them, and tuck them into bed. They even bathe them, for crying out loud. And talk about attention whores – oh my GOD! These kids are almost as bad as Paris Hilton! They need almost CONSTANT attention. They always seem to want something.... if it's not attention they're after, then it's food. If it's not food, then it's a beverage. Sometimes they even want you to change their clothes because they have literally crapped themselves. Their “gimme gimme gimme” attitude never ends. And when they don't get what they want right away? They start crying. Next thing you know, here comes Mommy to sooth and pamper them until they're pacified. Personally, I find the whole thing a little sickening.
Look - I'm not trying to be insensitive here, ok? It's not that I have anything against this segment of society, but I say it's time to cut the little monsters off. No more free lunches. No more free rides. No more patting them on the back, I don't care how bad they have to burp. It's for their own good. If you keeping taking care of them and indulging their every whim, what chance do they have of making it in the real world?
But do I blame the kids themselves? No. The blame rests upon the shoulders of all these soft, bleeding heart parents, who think that it's their duty to “nurture” these kids, to “take care of” them, to “provide them with food, shelter, and clothing”.
Seriously, you should hear some of the excuses these enabler's use. They say things like: “But they're only children” or “They will starve if I don't feed them”. Another little pearl of wisdom I hear a lot: “But you have to learn to crawl before you can walk”. Oh, and let's not forget my favorite excuse: “But their prefrontal lobes have not yet fully developed, thereby making analytical and linguistic functioning virtually impossible”. Oh, cry me a river. It's almost as if these parents – especially the females, let's be honest – are somehow programmed to believe all this nonsense. It's almost like it's some type of built-in "biological drive" or something.
Well, I've had enough. I say it's time to cut the umbilical cord. I say it's time to ween them from their mother's teet. I say it's time for these kids to stop crying, straighten up, and start walking on their own two feet.
They're not getting any younger, you know.
Big Orange had a great idea.
He suggested that I have a guest blogger while I get back into the swing of things...
If you would like to guest blog, please, leave me a comment or drop me a line.. I would love to hear from you!!
I really am alive this time.
I've been going through some stuff and needed a breather.
I tapped the well dry.
Hopefully you still love me.
I miss you.
x
I'm alive!
Before you send out search parties, or a mob, I thought I'd make an appearance.
I'm sorry I've kept you waiting so long...
I'm a terrible person..
I know that.
I promise you though, that I will be back in full form soon.
I have seen great benefit come of my hiatus, I'm feeling refreshed, and ready to knock your socks off.
Don't break up with me yet.
x
Overheard while waiting in line to pay for my fill-up at the Gas Station convenience store:
Cashier: "Sir, did you have any gas with that?"
Man Carrying Rolaids: "No, just the rolaids."
*Blush*
Me: *Snicker.*
Guess who I saw today?
Mother fuckin' cookie ears!!!
I swear, she was trotting around the mall in a pair or high heel sneakers. Yeah, you know the ones.
Her earrings were BIGGER than ever!
I almost shat myself.
THEN... I went North in the city to the drug store, and lo and behold, in strolls cookie ears.
Sumbitch.
I can't shake her.
So, I've switched jobs.
I'm working for a top athletic retailer now.
Quite the shift from my previous employer.
So far, I'm loving it.
I went from slinging bras and panties to schlepping sneakers and insoles.
Who knew?
I'll have plenty of hilarious stories to tell soon, I've got a few under my belt already, I'm just waiting for the right time to spring them on you.
Thanks for sticking around, it means a lot.
Plus, feel free to call me whatever you like; The Boob Lady, The Foot Lady, I'll leave the title of the blog as is for now, until I find a name that suits it perfectly.
Hey Kids,
I'm alive..
I'm terribly sorry that I'm not commenting or blogging right now.
I started a new job and I've been working for what seems the last 203981203987 days.
I promise, I won't let you down.
I'll be back.
With a vengeance.
You'll see.
Stick with me.
x
Again, I use my freedom of speech to declare my love for a wonderful person in my life.
An amazing man, that, without his love, I wouldn't be who I am today.
Thank you for letting me be myself.
Thank you for talking to me about girl things, even though I'm sure you would rather not.
You listen to me bitch, you listen to me laugh, and you listen to me cry.
Never do you have a bad word to say to me. (Unless, of course, it's the "word of the day"...)
Thank you for being a rock in a sometimes unsteady pasture.
I count my blessings everyday for you, you know what I mean.
I can't imagine my life without you.
You help Mema pad the bank accounts, even though you're working so hard for that money.
You play endless amounts of online poker with me, and you stay up into the wee hours when I last longer. (Which is more often than you I believe...)
You laugh at my jokes, even when you don't get them.
You laugh so hard you cry when I make Mema laugh so hard that she's had to pass the phone over to you.
You support me in every choice I make, even when I'm not sure I'm making the right one.
You go along with it when Mema sends me care packages full of things that I should be able to get myself.
You leave love notes in those care packages, because you know how much I love getting them.
You love us unconditionally and tell us so.
You tell me how proud you are of me, no matter what I'm doing at the time.
You roll with it when I tell you my suspicions with regards to your listening to Enya.
You lovingly call me the dog's name and then hilariously pretend you didn't do it. (Or, you do it on purpose.)
Contrary to what they say, you make me feel like I can always come home.
No matter how far away I am, you always make me feel like we're so close.
Despite everything that we've all gone through over the years, you are, by far, my favorite man in the world.
I'll always be your little girl, I'll always be your baby.
You're always in my heart, thoughts, and a piece of you is put into everything that I do.
Thank you for loving me, for being a part of my creation, for being there whenever I need you.
You are a pillar of strength, a formidable human being, and you'll always be my hero.
Enjoy the day that was made for you.
Happy Father's Day.
I love you so much.
**Update: Turns out, it's Enigma, not Enya. My apologies.
I'm back kids.
I'm sorry I scared you.
I've actually just given my notice at the "Boob" place.
I'm going to let things fall into place.
I've earned some good karma I think, I intend to cash in now.
:)
I'll give you more details as they become available.
Thanks for sticking around!
You guys are the best.
(PS: I am still reading all of your blogs, I have just been sooo busy that I haven't had the time to comment on them all, be patient! I'll be with it soon!)
Overheard tonight:
Name Protected: "Did you hear about the new diet pill on the market?"
Me: No, what is it?
Name Protected: "Well, apparently, one of the side effects is that you'll pudding in your pants."
Me: "I'm sorry, did you just say "Pudding in your pants?"
Name Protected: "BWAHAHA!! Yes, I was just watching a pudding commercial."
Me: "..."
Hey kids...
I have some news.
I don't know how you're going to take it.
It's not you, it's me.
I just, I... Oh, God...
This is so hard.
Okay, I'm just going to say it.
I'm not going to be the Boob Lady anymore.
Jenn over at Stiletto Heights nominated me for a Thinking Blogger Award.
I'm so honored!
Who knew that this little ol' Boob Lady would make someone think!
Thanks Jenn!
Since everyone else is doing it, why can't I?
Nothing came up for "The Boob Lady Needs", so I went ahead and used my first initial.
J needs to play.
J needs to work on her parenting.
J needs to find herself a baller.
J needs one.
J needs to have a cap!
J needs a clone.
J needs balance.
J needs some uninterrupted time to work on converting the first 140 or so comics.
J needs a good home.
J needs a new home.
Today marks the first day of my rigorous, if not feeble attempt at losing a shitload of weight before the beginning of July.
I can do it.
A steady diet of air and water is on my list.
Kidding.
Sort of.
I don't aspire to be a supermodel, just not a beached whale.
Next on my list is a kick ass tan (what with me being pasty and all...) and I'll be set.
Okay, last video post for a bit.
I just had to post this so that I could watch it 120398120387 times a day.
Simply amazing.
My favorite cartoon character of all time?
Herbert the Pervert.
Dare to question me.
I just got this email in my inbox.
Just how they knew I needed some help is beyond me.
It's like they can read my mind.
-----------------------
Remarkable results can be achieved with Megadik
We have men reporting up to four inches in gain.
Being happy with your body can change your entire outlook on life.
You can make it happen with the click of your mouse.
(Link deleted for your safety and/or desire to get some Megadik..)
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This latest "technical difficulty" may have been the last straw.
I may finally move to Wordpress like some of the others.
For the past week or so, I haven't been receiving comments. (I'm sure you've noticed since many of you have said "what gives" or "I thought I left a comment but...)
I haven't been getting them in my e-mail inbox and then I think that nobody likes me anymore.
Turns out that something was wrong with that and I WAS getting comments, I could only see them when I logged onto Blogger.
Rest assured that I've answered all the comments left here and that it'll never happen again.
While we're waxing nostalgic, here's a keeper...
Please overlook the plaid flannel and the suspenders. It also appears as though I'm wearing mom jeans.
Two words:
Foreshadowing much?
See this kids?
This is me, as a wee one.
Walking to school.
Uphill, both ways.
With one shoe.
My parents are the epitome of cruel.
I recently asked Flenker a series of random questions..
Please go visit his site to see how he answered things like what kind of tire he'd be, and what he'd do with his boobs!!
Well folks, without further ado, here is the Grand Finale of the Blood Ninja series. I assure you, if I get more, I will pass them along to you.
-----------------------
sweet17 : Hi
Bloodninja : hello
Bloodninja : who is this?
sweet17 : just a someone?
Bloodninja : A someone I know?
sweet17 : nope
Bloodninja : Then why the hell are you bothering me?
sweet17 : well sorrrrrry
sweet17 : I just wanted to chat with you
Bloodninja : why?
sweet17 : nevermind your an jerk
Bloodninja : Hey wait a minute
sweet17 : yes?
Bloodninja : look I'm sorry. I'm just a little paranoid
sweet17 : paranoid?
Bloodninja : yes
sweet17 : of what?
sweet17 : me?
Bloodninja : No. I'm in hiding.
sweet17 : LOL
Bloodninja : Don't fucking laugh at me!
Bloodninja : This shit is serious!
sweet17 : What are you hiding from?
Bloodninja : The cops.
sweet17 : gimme a fucking break
Bloodninja : I'm serious.
sweet17 : I don't get it
Bloodninja : The cops are after me.
sweet17 : For what?
Bloodninja : I'm wanted in three states
sweet17 : For???
Bloodninja : It's kindof embarrasing.
Bloodninja : I had sex with a turkey.
Bloodninja : Hello?
sweet17 : You are fucking sick.
Bloodninja : Send me your picture.
sweet17 : why?
Bloodninja : so I know you aren't one of them.
sweet17 : One of what?
Bloodninja : The cops.
sweet17 : I'm not a cop i told you
Bloodninja : Then send me your picture.
sweet17 : hold on
Bloodninja : Hurry up.
Bloodninja : Are you there?
Bloodninja : Fuck you, cop!
sweet17 : Hey sorry
sweet17 : I had to do something for my mom.
Bloodninja : I thought you were trying to find a picture to send to me.
Bloodninja : When really you were notifying the authorities.
Bloodninja : Weren't you!?
sweet17 : thats not it
Bloodninja : Then what?
sweet17 : I don't want to send you the picture cause I'm not pretty
Bloodninja : Most cops aren't
sweet17 : IM NOT A FUCKING COP YOU ASSHOLE!
Bloodninja : Then send me the picture.
sweet17 : fine. What's your e-mail?
Bloodninja : Just send it through here.
sweet17 : alright *PIC*
sweet17 : Did you get it?
Bloodninja : Hold on. I'm looking.
sweet17 : That was me back in may
sweet17 : I've lost weight since then.
Bloodninja : I hope so
sweet17 : what?!?
sweet17 : that hurt my feelings.
Bloodninja : Did it?
sweet17 : Yes. I'm not that much smaller than that now.
Bloodninja : Will it make you feel better if I send you my picture?
sweet17 : yes
Bloodninja : Alright let me find it.
sweet17 : kks
Bloodninja : Okay here it is. *PIC*
sweet17 : this isn't you.
Bloodninja : I'll be damned if it ain't!
sweet17 : You don't look like that.
Bloodninja : How the hell do you know?
sweet17 : cause your profile has another picture.
Bloodninja : The profile pic is a fake.
Bloodninja : I use it to hide from the cops.
sweet17 : You look like the Farm Fresh guy lol
Bloodninja : Well, you look like you ATE the Farm Fresh guy....
Bloodninja : Not to mention all the groceries.
sweet17 : Go fuck yourself
Bloodninja : I was going to until I saw that picture
Bloodninja : Now my unit won't get hard for a week.
sweet17 : I shouldn't have sent you that picture.
sweet17 : You've done nothing but slam me.
sweet17 : you hurt me.
Bloodninja : And calling me the Farm Fresh guy doesn't hurt me?
sweet17 : I thought you were bullcrapping me!
Bloodninja : Why would I do that?
sweet17 : I can't believe that cops are after you
Bloodninja : I can't believe Santa lets you sit on his lap..
sweet17 : FUCK YOU!!!
Bloodninja : You'd break both of his legs.
sweet17 : You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE!
sweet17 : I've been teased my whole life because of my weight
sweet17 : and you make fun of me when you don't even know me
Bloodninja : Ok. I'm sorry.
sweet17 : No you aren't
Bloodninja : You're right. I'm not.
Bloodninja : HAARRRRR!
sweet17 : I'm done with you
Bloodninja : Aww. I'm sorry.
sweet17 : I'm putting you on ignore
Bloodninja : Wait a sec
Bloodninja : We got off on the wrong foot.
Bloodninja : Wanna start over?
sweet17 : No
Bloodninja : I'll eat your kitty
sweet17 : You'll what?
Bloodninja : You heard me.
Bloodninja : I said I'd eat your kitty.
sweet17 : I thought you said you couldn't get it hard after seeing my picture
Bloodninja : Do I need a hard-on to eat your kitty?
sweet17 : I'd like to know that the man eating me out is excited yes
Bloodninja : Well I'm not like most men.
Bloodninja : I get excited in different ways.
sweet17 : Like what?
Bloodninja : Do you really wanna know?
sweet17 : I don't know
Bloodninja : You have to tell me yes or no.
sweet17 : I'm afraid to
Bloodninja : Why?
sweet17 : cause
Bloodninja : cause why?
sweet17 : well lets see
sweet17 : you say you have sex with turkeys. You call me fat. then you wanna eat me out
sweet17 : doesn't that seem strange to you?
Bloodninja : Nope
sweet17 : well its strange to me
Bloodninja : Fine. I won't do it if you don't want me to
sweet17 : I didn't say that
Bloodninja : So is that a yes?
sweet17 : I guess so.
Bloodninja : Ok. I need your help getting excited though.
Bloodninja : Are you willing?
sweet17 : What do you need me to do?
Bloodninja : I need you talk like a pirate.
sweet17 : ???
Bloodninja : When I start to go limp... you say "HARRRR!!!"
Bloodninja : ok?
Bloodninja : Hello?
sweet17 : You can't be serious
Bloodninja : Oh yes I am!
Bloodninja : It's my fantasy.
sweet17 : this is retarded
Bloodninja : Do you want it or not?
sweet17 : Yes I want it.
Bloodninja : Then you'll do it for me?
sweet17 : sure
Bloodninja : Ok. Here we go.
Bloodninja : I gently remove your panties and being to massage your thighs.
Bloodninja : You get really juicy thinking about my tounge brushing up against them
Bloodninja : I softly begin to tounge your wet kitty.
Bloodninja : I run my tounge up and down your smooth cunt.
sweet17 : mmmm yeah
Bloodninja : uh oh ...going limp.
sweet17 : Har
Bloodninja : You gotta do better than that!
Bloodninja : Your picture was really bad.
sweet17 : HARRRRRRRRRRRR
Bloodninja : Ahhhh. Much better. I feel your kitty get more moist with every stroke.
Bloodninja : I softly suck on your clit bringing it in and out of my mouth.
Bloodninja : Your juices run down my chin as your scent makes its way to my nose.
Bloodninja : I begin to feel empowered by your femininity.
sweet17 : mmmmmm you are good
Bloodninja : I feel your thighs tighten as I suckharder
Bloodninja : going limp
sweet17 : HARRRRRRR
Bloodninja : Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks in my hands.
Bloodninja : You begin to sway back and forth.
Bloodninja : going limp
sweet17 : this is stupid
Bloodninja : ...still limp
Bloodninja : Do it!
sweet17 : HARRRRRRRRRRRRR
Bloodninja : I turn you around to lick your asshole.
Bloodninja : I pry apart that battleship you call your ass.
Bloodninja : I see poo nuggets hanging from the hair around your ass.
sweet17 : WTF?!?!?
Bloodninja : They stink really bad.
sweet17 : OMG STOP!!!
Bloodninja : I start to get fed up with your ugly ass
Bloodninja : I tear off your wooden peg leg.
Bloodninja : I ram it up your ass.
sweet17 : YOURE A FUCKING PYSCHO!!
Bloodninja : Then I pour hot carmel over your head.
Bloodninja : And turn you into a fucking candy apple...
Bloodninja : I kick you in the face!
sweet17 : FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!!
Bloodninja : The celluloid from your cheeks hits the side of the cabin...
Bloodninja : Your parrot flys away.
Bloodninja : ...going limp again.
Bloodninja : Hello?
Bloodninja : Say it!
Bloodninja : HAARRRRRR!!!!!
I just watched a movie called "The Farce of the Penguins."
I highly suggest that you watch it.
I laughed out loud many times.
Cheesy? Yes.
Not for kids? Check.
Should you watch it? Absolutely.
See it here.
My favorite lines?
"If I had testicles, they'd be up inside my body by now."
"If you had testicles, you'd be getting raped by a seal."
or
"I'm so fed up with the club scene."
"So are baby seals!"
Also, while you're there, check out all the other stuff. You'll never watch tv again.
Sorry.
Or, you're welcome, depending on how you feel about me after you visit the site.
I'm on vacation!!!
Huzzah!
There will be a slight blog hiatus.
Don't get your panties in a bunch, I'll be back soon!
I'll post some goodies tonight so that you've got some shit to tide you over.
xx
I.F. : My shit is hard you ready to jump aboard?
1hOttYeVe : oh yhea im so wet right now
I.F. : Why you just shower?
1hOttYeVe : no im wet for you
I.F. : Did you ever play with supersoakers when you were a kid? or that gator shit you would dive and slide down, there was that badass pool at the end of it.
1hOttYeVe : What the fuck are you talking about? You wanna cyber or not?
I.F. : I do! Sorry...I just didnt know why you were wet...then you say your wet for me, and im thinking I didnt even throw water on you...
I.F. : Im sorry lets continue!
1hOttYeVe : alright then...I walk over to you and start kissing your neck and chest
I.F. : I pop like 16 boners
1hOttYeVe : what the fuck!
I.F. : what?
I was at the grocery store picking up my requisite case of Pepsi, when from beneath it, flutters a five dollar bill.
I quickly scooped it up before anyone noticed that it didn't come out of my pocket.
Should I have looked for its rightful owner?
Was I wrong?
Am I going to jail?
Recently, Grant Miller of Grant Miller Media decided that I was worthy enough for interview purposes.
I am humbled and so very honored that he chose to ask me hard hitting questions.
Read on my fellow bloggers, you won't learn much though.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
-----------------------
You're Canadian. Why do Canadians mispronounce "schedule?"
It's just how we roll. Depending on the conversation, I either say: "Shhedule", or "Skedoole". I swing it to the person of interest. How do you say it?
You work in a lingerie store. Do Canadians measure chest sizes differently than Americans. Do they use the metric system - you know centimeters instead of inches? Or do you use grams?
I go by inches. We use the same measurements you all do. The Europeans are the ones that fuck up the bra measurements, when one comes in to the store, I have to think back to what I've learned and go by centimetres. If I really want to impress someone, however, I will use grams. It's a great party trick.
Why are you The Boob Lady as opposed to "The Foot Lady" or "The Ankle Lady?"
I am the Boob Lady because I deal with boobs all day long. If I worked in a shoe store, or was a podiatrist, I suppose I could be the Foot Lady or the Ankle lady.
I have a lot of perverts and sickos that visit my site searching for porn. When they invariably find my site lacks porn, they sometimes click your blog, primarily because of your screen name. What would you like to say to the sickos, perverts and deviants that visit your site?
Although most people find that your site lacks porn, I love the search words used to get to your site. I digress... I often throw a little shout to the perverts and deviants that visit my site. They more often than not find me by Googling "Post Your Beaver", or some form of "Boobs." I am okay with this, it's bringing them in. I don't have much to say to them. Sit, relax, put the porn clips on in the background, but have a good read, there's plenty there.
Why should people read your blog?
I have no real pull to keep readers in. The regulars are there and seem to enjoy it. I write whatever comes to mind, usually it's verbal diarrhoea, sometimes it's funny, sometimes it's not. Sometimes it's pure shit used to fill a date. I'm easy. But I'm not cheap.
-------------------------
If you would like to be interviewed by the Boob Lady, drop me a line, I'll hook you up.
Check out the "Mother's Day" email the "cats" sent me.
They're smarter than I give them credit for I guess.
I go out for groceries and this is what I come home to.
I bet they're the ones downloading all the porn too.
Hey Mommy, this is Todd, i know you always thought I was the dumb one but lets see Jack type this shit, He made me put his name on this letter but for the record I did all the work. A few requests on your special day, please stop calling me blockhead, meatball, gronk etc.....it hurts my feelings oh and jack says he dosn't need as much food as the average cat so you can put the extra in my dish. Besides that just wanted to tell you you are the best mom two little cats could ever hope for and we love you ( me a little more than jack ). Hope you have a wonderful mothersday.
Love Todd and jjjAACCKK ( jack insisted on typing his own name, dumbass)
Mom, Mother, Mema, Mem, Woman Who Bore Me...
I truly don't know where to begin.
Never before have I had an outlet such as this in which to declare my love and appreciation for you. (More so than I do with the thousand calls a day I make to you at work.)
As we grow in our relationship together, I am more and more thankful everyday for your presence in my life.
--------------
You keep things together from so far away.
You effortlessly talk me down from my anxiety attacks from provinces over.
You help me pad my bank account when I am short on rent, (As I have been lately...) even when I know that you can't really afford to do so, what with another bank account leech, and your own financial needs. Or when I'm sure that you're thinking, but never saying: "Jesus, Child, you're almost 27, get your shit together..."
You sound just as happy to hear from me whether it's my first call of the day or my 76th.
You tell me things are going to be okay, even when I think that they're not.
You "Myeaaarrhh" with me, even when I tell you that you've gotta give me more.. "You need to do it this way..."
You make gag noises with me to the point that I'm laughing hysterically and I'm sure that Puppa is wondering what the fuck is wrong with us.
You have most recently said "Redrum" with so much passion that I almost, almost passed you the torch.
You listen to me cry, offer encouraging words, and wait until I've stopped to let me go.
You send me gas money so that I can go visit your baby, even when you've just sent him the equivalent of 198 months' rent.
You feel, I hope, that you can talk to me about "grown-up" things, like we're equals, not just mother and daughter.
You listen to me bitch about my life, boys, and my life with (or without) boys, and offer words of wisdom that only a mother can. (That, or you bitch with me!)
You buy silly things for my friends on eBay, and roll with the joke.
You send me care packages full of things that I should be able to buy for myself, but it's not the same if it's not sent with love.
You put a love letter in every care package, even if it's just a few words. (Usually.)
You tell me you're proud of me, even when I don't feel like I do anything special.
You tell me how beautiful I am, even when I feel hideous. (Because you have to.)
You laugh at the stupid pictures and videos I send to you.
You read everything I write, even the softcore porn.
You read as much as I do.
You have a loving, happy relationship with Puppa, that we are all so thankful for.
You gave me all the recipes I need to make someone happy, or cook for myself. (Which I rarely do lately.)
You play online poker with me almost every night.
You go along with it when I say I'm going to pimp myself out for grocery money, only asking for a small cut of the proceeds.
You hold my hand when I need it the most.
You're my best friend, my secret keeper, my backbone, my mother, my rock.
No words that I could ever write would properly sum up what you mean to me.
On this day, your day, Mother's day, I send all the love I have, hugs from afar, and all the thanks in the world.
Thank you for having me, for loving me, for always being here with me, even when you're not.
I love you.
I'm looking for employees.
When one is looking for employees, one puts up a sign.
Do they not?
Anyway, I had an "Employment Opportunities Available" sign up in my window.
I guess my mistake was that I had put it on a stand, right in front of a mannequin.
Stay with me here, there's a punchline.
Last Saturday, as we're all working as usual, a woman and her husband walked by the store about three times.
I saw them look into the store each time they strolled by.
Assuming that they were making the mall laps like the rest of the people there that day, I thought nothing of it.
Until the last lap.
When they stopped in front of the window.
Pointing and laughing.
She finally comes in with hubby firmly in hand.
The following conversation ensued:
Me: "Hi there, how are you today?"
Her: "Hi, fine thanks."
Me: "Anything that I can help you with?"
Her: "Um, well, I noticed your sign in the window."
Me: "Great, are you looking?"
Her: "No. Don't you think that's kind of suggestive?"
Me: "Uhh, pardon me?"
Her: "The sign? Don't you think it's kind of suggestive??"
Me: "I'm not sure I follow. We're presently looking for employees so we put a sign in the window."
Her: "Well, it's right under a mannequin that's only wearing a bra and panty set."
Me: "I'm sure that when people see the sign, they know that we're not hiring for a mannequin or a bra model."
Her: "Well, I still think that it's rather suggestive. I think you should remove it."
Me: "I'm sorry you feel that way ma'am, but I'm sure that the people that are coming in to apply for a job are not in any way thinking that we're hiring for an armless, legless torso."
Her: ...
They both turned on their heels and left the store.
Was this a test of somekind?
Did I fail?
I.F. : You ready yet? Im bearing to go!
SexyKarla17 : Yhea im slipping out of my clothes right now, what do you look like?
I.F. : a Kodiac bear
SexyKarla17 : ?
I.F. : Im soft naked, fuzzy and waiting for you to come mount me
SexyKarla17 : Oh I love cute fuzzy bears, I walk up and get on top of you stroking your soft hair,
kissing you gently as my move my way down your stomach
I.F. : I growl to warm you my cubs are near
SexyKarla17 : huh?
I.F. : Bears get fuckin pumped when anyone is near their cubs
Sexkarla17: yeah hehe dont be silly..
SexyKarla17 : I love how you growl as I continue to kiss you, while taking off your pants.
I.F. : Bears dont wear pants and you should cover yourself in Honey now
SexyKarla17 : hehe you would love to lick that off me huh. I pour honey all over my warm wet body waiting for you to start licking it off me slowly
I.F. : I sniff the air to see where the sweet scent of the honey is coming from, while slowly snorting and walking towards you
I.F. : I Growl again, and start to bite you
SexyKarla17 : Yhea that feels good..ooooo...not too hard now
I.F. : I bite harder peeling flesh from your stomach, and look up into your eyes to show you my mouth dripping with your warm blood mixed with honey, I then I let my cubs rip apart your limbs and play with you like a ragdoll.
SexyKarla17 : what the fuck?
I.F. :uuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh and im spent.
Please, enjoy this piece of masterful choral ability. This guy should win some massive awards at the Grammy's this year.
Seriously.
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 280 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart:
Chris tagged me with this one but since I don't get out much, I'm not sure how much wisdom I'll have to offer you. Since I'm pretty sure that NONE of you will ever be in my neck of the woods, I'll give you what I can...
The rules:
1. Add a direct link to your post below the name of the person who tagged you.
Include the city/state and country you’re in.
Nicole (Sydney, Australia)
velverse (Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia)
LB (San Giovanni in Marignano, Italy)
Selba (Jakarta, Indonesia)
Olivia (London, England)
ML (Utah, USA)
Lotus (Toronto, Canada)
tanabata (Saitama, Japan)
Andi (Dallas [ish], Texas, United States)
Lulu (Chicago, Illinois, United States)
Chris (Boyne City, Michigan, United States)
Boob Lady (Saint John, Canada)
2. List out your top 5 favorite places to eat at your location.
3. Tag 5 other people (preferably from other countries/states) and let them know they’ve been tagged. **See bottom**
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1. Billy's Seafood: A small restaurant near the uptown section of the city, Billy's is one of my favorite places to go. (I can only go here if there's money in my pocket, someone important is coming to visit, like my parents, (Who, for the record, haven't been) or, if someone else is paying...) It's located in the old Farmer's Market and also has a full fish market where you can buy goodies to take home. My favorite starter order at Billy's is their fresh calamari, sliced thinly, deep fried, and topped with grated parm. It's served with a delicious marinara sauce. I can't get enough, I'd eat it every day if I could. For my main course, I love their live lobster from the tank. Boiled to perfection, served with a wedge of lemon, and hot drawn butter. Amazing. I wear the bib, get dirty, suck the butter off my fingers, and love every second of it.
2. Vito's Dining Room and Lounge: This is your usual pizza joint with a little bit of a higher class atmosphere. You can eat in or take out and it's a good time. The place is chock full of delicious treats; amazing caesar salad, cheesy as hell garlic cheese fingers, great pizza, and scrumtious desserts. If you're feeling lucky, you can eat in the lounge and throw some money away at the slot machines too. There's only four of them but you can try your luck.
3. Jake's Steakhouse: This place is a quick fix when I need to leave the mall to eat. It's right across the street and they serve some good food. There's only so much eating in a dark back room, or food court I can handle. They serve a mean spaghetti, and their steaks are delicious and cheap. That's what counts right?
4. Cora's: AMAZING. I am in love with Cora's. I go here for breakfast when I can afford it, or can bother getting up early enough on a day off to enjoy it. They also serve lunch, but the breakfast is where it's at. Their menu is amazing, the food is fantastic, and you can watch people as they prepare your meals. Choices offered all have fun names and they specialize in fresh fruit smoothies as starters. Menu items include such delights as; crepes filled with a shitload of stuff like Nutella, fruit, crème anglaise, and pretty much anything else you could ever imagine. My favorite thing to order here is something called the "1980's Harvest." This meal includes the following: One egg cooked any style, your choice of bacon, ham, or sausage, a brioche, (which is basically a cinnamon roll that's been cut in half, dipped in French Toast batter, and fried accordingly...I know. WTF. Amazing? Yes.) and a MOUNTAIN of fresh fruit. I pretty much get this every time I go there. I can't sway myself to get anything else, it's got it all.
5. Jungle Jim's: This crazy restaurant is always good for a laugh. The décor is absolutely hilarious. Parrots, swinging monkeys, tiki torches, lanterns, you get the picture. There's always music playing and lots of people. The food is amazing and has hilarious names like Hippo Burgers, Rhino Ribs, and The Kitchen Sink. I always get the chicken taquitos and then depending on my mood, a pasta dish, or some ribs. They also have a crazy drink called the Jumbo Hurricane. One of these can pretty much get me a good snap on.
Since I know that most of you won't do this tag, I won't put you through the agony of having to do it. If you'd like to, please, I'd love to read it, if not, I won't hold it against you.
I was going to post the Grand Finale of the Blood Ninja posts, but I fear that it is too graphic in nature.
I'm going to decide in the next day or so if I feel that I can put it up and not feel badly about it.
I may have to censor it.
Let me know what you think.
The owner of my building just dropped by.
He came to collect my rent and check to see that all was going well for me in my new apartment.
I handed over my rent, told him about the one incident where the upstairs neighbour had some sort of flood and it had come down into my bathroom.
He asked to see if there was any damage.
Of course I obliged.
I usher him into my bathroom to show him that there is very little carnage.
As I'm fanning my hand over the area like one of Barker's Beauties, my eyes land on suspicious items.
It is then that he reddens and I realize fully that I have two very obvious ornaments on the sink area.
Yes, that's right.
Two of my favorite late night dates are resting on the counter.
No matter where I am in the bathroom, there is very little room to maneuver myself in front of the boyfriends he's already seen.
I try to show him the area of the floor where there was water while practically sitting on the counter, blocking his view.
I've basically got him pressed up against the wall with my boobs so that he can barely turn around.
I've got a big mirror behind the door on the outside so you pretty much have to shimmy sideways to get in or out.
He's trapped.
He came face to face with Big Glitter and Little Purple.
I'm mortified.
He thanks me for my time, scurries out quickly, wishes me a good night, and is gone.
I live alone.
With two cats.
So?
