Thursday, August 16, 2007

Guest Post...

The following is my first guest post from none other that Captain Smack...

I'm sure you will be entertained!

(In tonight's episode, The part of The Boob Lady will be played by Captain Smack.)

I never thought I'd be saying this, but I just don't get the kids today. Have you seen the new crop of kids? What is it with these idiots? They can't seem to do anything right. They can't drive worth a crap, they don't know the difference between a credit card and a debit card, they can't hold down a job. They have no sense of civic responsibility, they never show up at the polls on election day... they haven't bothered to learn to read or write or do math. Hell, most of the one's I've met don't even know how to walk or talk. No, they just lay around all day, drooling on themselves and making funny noises.

And, frankly, they smell weird.

These people contribute almost nothing to society, and yet they expect their “Mommies” to take care of them. It's truly pathetic. And the worst part is that that's exactly what these mommies do! They coddle them and fawn all over them, feed them, dress them, and tuck them into bed. They even bathe them, for crying out loud. And talk about attention whores – oh my GOD! These kids are almost as bad as Paris Hilton! They need almost CONSTANT attention. They always seem to want something.... if it's not attention they're after, then it's food. If it's not food, then it's a beverage. Sometimes they even want you to change their clothes because they have literally crapped themselves. Their “gimme gimme gimme” attitude never ends. And when they don't get what they want right away? They start crying. Next thing you know, here comes Mommy to sooth and pamper them until they're pacified. Personally, I find the whole thing a little sickening.

Look - I'm not trying to be insensitive here, ok? It's not that I have anything against this segment of society, but I say it's time to cut the little monsters off. No more free lunches. No more free rides. No more patting them on the back, I don't care how bad they have to burp. It's for their own good. If you keeping taking care of them and indulging their every whim, what chance do they have of making it in the real world?
But do I blame the kids themselves? No. The blame rests upon the shoulders of all these soft, bleeding heart parents, who think that it's their duty to “nurture” these kids, to “take care of” them, to “provide them with food, shelter, and clothing”.

Seriously, you should hear some of the excuses these enabler's use. They say things like: “But they're only children” or “They will starve if I don't feed them”. Another little pearl of wisdom I hear a lot: “But you have to learn to crawl before you can walk”. Oh, and let's not forget my favorite excuse: “But their prefrontal lobes have not yet fully developed, thereby making analytical and linguistic functioning virtually impossible”. Oh, cry me a river. It's almost as if these parents – especially the females, let's be honest – are somehow programmed to believe all this nonsense. It's almost like it's some type of built-in "biological drive" or something.

Well, I've had enough. I say it's time to cut the umbilical cord. I say it's time to ween them from their mother's teet. I say it's time for these kids to stop crying, straighten up, and start walking on their own two feet.

They're not getting any younger, you know.

How pathetic...


morbid misanthrope said...

I totally agree with you. The best way to teach someone to swim is to throw them in the water and let that survival instinct kick in. That’s why, in order to speed these freeloaders on their way to being contributing bipedal members of society, I’ve started sitting the little bastards on skateboards and kicking them down hills. They’ll quit fucking around and learn how to walk if they know what’s good for them.

Much like everyone else these days, however, they still have rights. And one issue they’re faced with that breaks my heart is their exclusion from the sport of kings: midget tossing. Just because they’re not technically midgets, some cold-hearted officials don’t think they have the right to be tossed competitively by drunken meth dealers in dive bars across this great nation. These closed-minded officials think that just because some antiquated rule book says contestants have to be midgets to participate, they can go around discriminating against the temporarily tiny. It’s disgusting. I hope you’ll join me in battling this bigotry and boycott any midget-tossing organization or event that discriminates against the temporarily small in stature. Thank you.

Emma said...

Fab post, Captain Smack.

jungle jane said...

Yo Smack have you ever considered wearing a nappy just for kicks? I'm telling you dude, it's HOT...

Jay said...

I might like to get in on this baby thing.
Sounds awesome.

Being one, not having one, I mean.

Skylers Dad said...

And don't get me started on those diapers! Why it was nothing for my kid to go through 3 or 4 a fucking week!

jali said...

These effin' kids get on my nerves too. All that "me-me-me" attitude really gets on my nerves.

Anonymous said...

I'm totally on board with the whole "smell weird" part. I should come with a parental advisory. I corrupt anything standing next to me, especially the wee ones.

Loved your pic over at the other place Capt'n Smack.

Boobs, we haven't properly bumped into each other, but I hope things will sort themselves out for you soon!


Doc said...

"Get a job, you slacker!" These are the first words my dad ever said to me.


Erica AP said...

Yeah!!! Give them hell!!! Cut em' off!!

Zoning Out Again said...

FIRST!!!!!! :0)
OOOHHHH what a cute little baby!!!
You're so cute Captain! You know you've been dying to post something cute like this and you can't do it at your place so you unload at Boobs place! That didn't come out right.
Anyhow, cute guest post!
I Luzz you too!

Zoning Out Again said...

:0( Do'h, thought I was first! Damn comment moderator-er

unique_stephen said...

We make ours hunt for themselves. Here we are training like a mother lioness bringing down game.

Captain Smack said...

Can I call you Morb? I saw someone else do it and thought it looked cool. Anyway, Morb, I'm behind you on the midget tossing issue, even though I have never tossed a midget or been to a midget tossing event. Around here we have midget catapulting, which I think sounds more fun and Xtreme, but some purist charge that catapulting midgets is lacking in the subtleties and nuances found in tossing. Either way, count me in.

Thank you - thankyouverymuch.

What the hell's a nappy? Does it have spikes? Do they come in black leather? You know me, I'm down for whatever.

I just hope you contribute something to society, and not lay around all day expecting the rest of us to take care of you.

Skylers Dad:
That's disgusting. Haven't these kids ever heard of "holding it"? Great point.

It's like they have no social skills at all.

Proxima Blue:
Yeah, they smell like a perpetual oatmeal burp or something.

Now, that's good parenting. The kid should be checking out the classified section as soon as they get home from the hospital.

That's the spirit! You'd make a damn good revolutionary, Erica.

Ha! NOT first - Boobs has that comment moderation thing on, sucka! But, yes, you got me - I really just want to post about puppies and unicorns and rainbows (not the gay kind, but the other kind).

I don't see any problem with kids hunting for themselves. They should at least be able to bag a frog or turtle or something. Them's good eatin!

The Boob Lady said...

Cap'n: I damn near shit myself when I really, I mean REALLY looked at that picture. You peering through the window isn't the least bit creepy.. :)

Josh said...

Ahh Baby, the other, other white meat!

Get productive or get back in the food chain I say.

anandamide said...

Look, what really pisses me off is the politicians who cater to these goddamn hand-out seeking leeches, rather than helping out America's families.

Captain Smack said...

I just wanted you to know I've got your back. And front. And sides, top, bottom, etc.

I hear they are sooo tender, and not stringy at all.

Zoning Out Again said...

Oh Captain,
I'm sure you've tossed your midget!
Did I just type that out loud?

Kitty said...

Captain, if I may translate from English to American. I really got into foreign language when I was abroad. American is my second langauge, it's invaluable.

A nappy is a diaper.


And the price of their clothes?NOOOOO WAYYYYYYY!

GETkristiLOVE said...

You, Captain Smack, insensitive?! Naw....

Palm Springs Savant said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who is crotchety about young people!

Old Knudsen said...

When I popped out of my Ma's twat I had to clean up my own afterbirth or I'd not get any supper. Learning to crawl meant I no longer had an excuse for not getting a job doon coal pit.

Captain Smack said...

I only toss midgets on weekends. It's purely recreational.

Wow, that is hot.

They just spit up on their clothes anyway. Maybe they should just wear napkins or something.

I'm super sensitive. I cried when Thelma and Louise drove over that cliff. That was such a nice car.

Palm Springs Savant:
Hey, I just want what's best for the little cocksuckers.

Ah, the good old days, when men where men, and babies were men.

Captain Smack said...

(woops, sorry there buddy, missed your comment...)

Good point. The politicians say they are for the "little" people, yet they cater to these, um... these, er, "unusually small" people...


Helen said...

I was at the beach with none other than "other people's urchins" last weekend, and they do the most foul shit ever. And by ever I mean ever. (e.g. picking up cigarette butts and pretending to smoke, pouring sand in beer bottles, drinking ocean water...) Don't they ever think???

Hi Boob Lady, have never formally met. That pic of the Cap'n in your window is some scary shit. Pull your blind down, sistah!!!

Crazy Eddie said...

Hey Cap'n. Good job.

I have a similar post on my blog regarding the same issues.

I was totally immersed in your story. I even cracked a smile...