Saturday, May 05, 2007

Awkward...




The owner of my building just dropped by.

He came to collect my rent and check to see that all was going well for me in my new apartment.

I handed over my rent, told him about the one incident where the upstairs neighbour had some sort of flood and it had come down into my bathroom.

He asked to see if there was any damage.

Of course I obliged.

I usher him into my bathroom to show him that there is very little carnage.

As I'm fanning my hand over the area like one of Barker's Beauties, my eyes land on suspicious items.

It is then that he reddens and I realize fully that I have two very obvious ornaments on the sink area.

Yes, that's right.

Two of my favorite late night dates are resting on the counter.

No matter where I am in the bathroom, there is very little room to maneuver myself in front of the boyfriends he's already seen.

I try to show him the area of the floor where there was water while practically sitting on the counter, blocking his view.

I've basically got him pressed up against the wall with my boobs so that he can barely turn around.

I've got a big mirror behind the door on the outside so you pretty much have to shimmy sideways to get in or out.

He's trapped.

He came face to face with Big Glitter and Little Purple.

I'm mortified.

He thanks me for my time, scurries out quickly, wishes me a good night, and is gone.

I live alone.

With two cats.

So?

42 comments:

Crazy Eddie said...

Your boyfriends sound nice. Although they may be plastic, I'm sure they do the job right. After all, you are the pilot...

I am so aroused by this story. I swear you are slowly but surely turning me...

Besos para siempre...

Minty said...

Well, that'll teach you to leave out your goodies...

Reg said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Reg said...

Big Glitter and Little Purple eh? Variety is the spice of life Boob Lady and seems like you know how to enjoy it.

Travis said...

Ah yes dildos, the great equalizer of all social situations.

Anonymous said...

A)It appears someones been taking work home with her!?!
B)Silly Boob Lady trix are for kids.
C)They also come with attachments to clean the tub?
D)All of the above.


Hey he's getting rent money from you, and a descent story to tell his pals.
Don't know if that helps but....

~stis~

Emma said...

You know what you should have done? Made him feel so uncomfortable that he knocked down the rent. You could have whipped out one of the "companions" and waved it in his face, crying "THIS IS MY CLOSEST THING TO A BOYFRIEND!!!".
Not that that's true, but that kind of false story always scares men easy. They run like startled fawns.
Why do I know so much about how to make men run like startled fawns? Oh dear. Maybe I need some therapy.

Flenker said...

I've had a sort of similar experience, when my then-girlfriend's mom almost found "Flenker Jr." (for lack of a better name) when moving. Luckily she had it wrapped in a (clean) sock for safe keeping and grabbed it when it was not obvious. Disaster averted.

The Cachinnator said...

That may well be the most awkward thing I've heard all year.

Well done.

Minty said...

Boob Lady & Flenker (Sr.):

I...
Would...
Die...

Captain Smack said...

I know how you feel, Boob Lady - my landlord had the same reaction when he saw all my dildos laying around (although, in my case, it was about 40 or 50 of them). It was very embarrassing.

Skylers Dad said...

You lost me at "pressed up against the wall with my boobs"...

Anon. Blogger said...

Great story, Boob Lady. My first read with this morning's coffee and a LOL... it will be a good day, I think!


There are three women in this house, and four dogs.... can you imagine what has made it's way into our yard via doggie digestion and the miracle of decomposition? I often wonder what the workers (and the dogs, for that matter) are thinking. I mean so much litter of the same variety in one place...keeps me on my toes with yard pick up.

Erica AP said...

Haha... that so funny. He may start coming back more often so watch out!

g-man said...

Apartment Managers Blog:

This has never happened to me before, but I went in to collect the rent from the hot chick with the bib boobs, and she calls me into her apartment to show me some "water damage" when all of a sudden she pins me to the wall with her tits and shows me her dildos. She offered to give me a demo, so I said Hey WTF.

I so totally did her. She wants me. I wonder if it is the same chick I tried to cyber with last week?

Captain Smack said...

Well, you know, you said you have two cats, right? Maybe he'll just think they are for the cats... (is one of your cats big and the other one small, by any chance?)

If he comes back by, just explain that they're toys for your pussies.

The Boob Lady said...

Eddie: My boyfriends are GREAT! They don't talk back, eat my food, OR piss on my clean toilet seat! Most of all, they're ALWAYS successful. My goal is to turn you. Then move to your city and ravage you.

Minty: Tell me about it. Feck.

Reg: I do enjoy it. :)

Travis: Absolutely. They didn't make things awkward at all.

~stis~: A) Too bad I don't work in a sex shop! I'd be there all the time! B) I know.. C) I wish! D) Yes. I'm sure he had a great story to tell. Poor guy.

Emma: I thought about it, but the situation didn't allow for that. It was awkward enough. I'll know what to do next time though! Thanks!

Flenker: I did not think to wrap or hide the boys since NOBODY ever comes over here. I'll know to do recon next time though.

Minty: It was pretty funny after the fact.

Captain: You only have 50? Come on now. You're not a real team player!

Skylers Dad: That was my aim!

Anon. Blogger: I'm glad I could give you a happy day!! I love the variety of things you can find in a backyeard with four dogs!!

Erica: I hope not, he was not in the least bit attractive!

g-man: I bet that is EXACTLY how it went down!! Thank you.

Captain: Smart man! You're on par there. :)

Chris said...

Vintage Boob Lady! My hats off to you for your handling of the situation with great aplomb.

ps- I tagged you.

Trouble said...

You were awesomely smooth. My son came close to finding mine the other day. He thought it would be cool to hide behind my pillows against the headboard. Ummm...yeah.

Guess I need to move those.

tex said...

Wow, I used to do maintenence in the college dorms when I was in school. That never happened to me but I wish it did. Esp. crushing me with her/your boobs!

tex said...

Yeah for boobs! I think my first post didn't take?

alexgirl said...

That is AWESOME!!! embarrassing, yes, but awesome still.
The super comes in all the time (I too have a leak in my bathroom) and there's usually underwear on the floor. That's not *quite* as bad, but still. It definitely makes Bill the super very uncomfortable! Big Glitter sounds like a good boyfriend, btw.

Grant Miller said...

Wait. I don't get it. Who are big Glitter and Little Purple?

Lynda said...

Well, now he knows for sure you are happy!

Krazee Eyez Killa said...

"Invite Boob to Gmail".

Holla,

Krazee Eyez Killa

The Boob Lady said...

Chris: I aim to please my dear! I'm heading to my tag now, and I can't wait. :)

Trouble: HAHA! Don't EVER hide them near the bed, that's too obvious. You need to NOT hide them. That's the cool thing to do now.

tex: It's a shame you've not had a run in like that. Your day will come! Yeah boobs! :) First post took!

alexgirl: Totally hilarious. I didn't know what to do. There was actually a pair of underwear on the floor too. I forgot about that. I think I tried to kick them out of the way but realized it was futile. Glitter is TOTALLY a good boyfriend. :)

Grant Miller: They're my favorite friends. :)

Lynda: Correct!

Krazee Eyez Killa: Word! I just laughed out loud!

ThePapaDog said...

You might want to be careful. He might be curious now.

If you really want to scare him off, leave out your strap-on for him to see and then throw him a slow and seductive wink...

Travis said...

for some reason I can't see it from work but please tell me those are your boobs in your banner up there.

stilettoheights said...

oh no!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I loved this, really...I am sorry you had to go through it but really it was an awesome read.

it started to sound like it was going to turn into like a porno or a Buffy Angel fan fiction or something....right about "my boobs pressed against him"...

GETkristiLOVE said...

The best part is, you'll probably have excellent response time when anything goes wrong in the apt.

molly said...

HAHAHHA ohhh man, i dont have a witty comment like all these other peoples.

but its your blog. youre the entertainer.
no pressure for me to be funny...right?

pezda said...

I'm sure the super ran home to complete his end of the fantasy. Don't be suprised if you become the subject of a penthouse letter.

Johnny Yen said...

Well, now you know how to get rid of him if he starts hanging around too much.

Peter Matthes said...

Someone did a web search for "dildo" and stumbled into the "dildo cactus".

Ouch.

Anonymous said...

Would you please get over yourself and your body...

You're not hot.

The Boob Lady said...

ThePapaDog: I doubt it! Don't have a strap on to scare him with. Shame. :)

Travis: No, they are not my boobs. They are much larger and much more lopsided than mine.

stilettoheights: It was pretty hilarious. Poor guy. I didn't think about it... Nobody goes in my bathroom but me!

GETkristiLOVE: Let's hope!

molly: You don't need a witty comment! You're here, that's enough!

pezda: Ha, "Dear Penthouse..."

Johnny Yen: Absolutely. Whip something out.

Peter Matthes: Pretty much. Odd eh?

Anonymous: Never said I was hot, not sure where you read that...You must be drop dead gorgeous though, since you're posting anonymously and I must know you.

Big Orange said...

wow, that's almost as good as the time I was shaving off all my pubic hair, heard a strange noise downstairs, and came down to discover the cleaning lady working on the stove.

ALMOST as good.

The Boob Lady said...

big orange: I agree. It's nowhere near as amazing as your story. I hope you were still au naturel when you came face to face with the cleaning lady.

Skylers Dad said...

BO: reminds me of the story of how to get rid of the crabs. Shave half your pubes, light the remainder on fire, and when they run out, stab them with the ice pick.

alexgirl said...

Um. New post please!!
It's been DAAAAAAAAYS.

alexgirl said...

ps-FINALLY somebody else who likes cabbage. I was starting to get a complex.

The Boob Lady said...

Skylers Dad: That is hilarious. Gross, but hilarious.

alexgirl: Done and done. :)