Saturday, March 31, 2007

Bad Luck Boob Lady...

(Photo courtesy of the Boob Lady's brother... This is my nephew.)



It's true.

I really need one.

I've had the worst run of bad luck lately and I really need a hug.

You know all about my troubles with Carl, the shitmobile, but there's more.

I know!

You're thinking: "How can some poor schmuck have so much bad luck?"

I don't know.

On Thursday, I'm making my regular trek to work, driving the tuna can, listening to my iTrip, minding my business.

I pull into the parking lot, remove the iTrip from its holding area, pop it into my purse like I always do, and head into the store.

When I try to re-activate the iTrip, it won't work.

No signal, no little red "ON" light, nothing.

NOTHING.

I am on the verge of tears since I'll have to listen to The Motown Series AGAIN.

Don't get me wrong, I love me some Motown, but everyday? NO! I can't take it.

I know all the songs, I know all the words, I even have fucking dance steps down pat.

I can't hack it.

I turn on the radio instead.

This is a major faux-pas.

I don't care.

Jump to Saturday.

I get to work without incident and proceed to grab my cell phone.

Wait a minute...

It's not in my jacket pocket.

Peculiar.

I find it in my purse, grab it without putting too much thought into why it was in there, head out for a breakfast sandwich, and proceed to turn it on.

I'd fully charged it last night so it was ready to go.

Notsomuch.

It turned on for a fraction of a second and what I saw of the screen looked like an aquarium.

A totally trippy aquarium since my background scene is a bare tree branch kind of wintery scene.

Very barren, very white, very cool.

It looked like it had started to flood.

Well, I call the cell phone store that's across the hall (I got my phone there...) and explain my problem.

The girl actually walks across the way to my store (very kind of her) and proceeds to ask me the routine questions.

"Did you drop it?"

"No."

"Did you take it in the shower with you?"

"Uhh, no."

"Did you leave it in your car overnight?"

"No, it doesn't leave my coat pocket."

Well, fuck me silly, I had it in my purse didn't I? There's something wrong here.

The only thing I can think of is that once I'd charged it, my pockets were full so I just tossed it in my purse.

Turns out I had a full can of hairspray in there.

That exploded.

All over the inside of my bag.

And contents therein.

Cell phone included.

Fuckin' Balls.

Apparently the girl was able to tell that it had severe water damage by looking under the battery.

You see, here's where, if your phone is UNDAMAGED, you'll find a small white papery dot.

This dot is actually Litmus Paper.

My dot was no longer white.

It was blood red.

REDRUM!!!

Severe doesn't begin to describe the damage done to my phone.

I don't EVEN use hairspray.

I suck.

I'm totally locked in to a three year contract and am now without cellular telephone service.

Balls.

I'm thinking about turning to the hooch. The bottle.

Un cerveza por favor?

I need a hug.

17 comments:

pezda said...

I have health issues. I'm not going to get into that, I just wanted to preface my comment. When I first started blogging I posted bit about said issues, and got the following reply from anonymous, "It could be worse." Now I don't know about you, but I take no comfort in the fact that my miserable life could actually get worse. So, rather than that I offer to you an IOU for a hug. And remember, It will get better.

Anon. Blogger said...

Oh Boob Lady!! Please, accept my warm and caring cyber hug!!!!

We are here for you Boob Lady! Especially me!

I don't know why crap falls in groups, but it just seems to do that, doesn't it?

Stupid Crap!

Is the SIMM card any good? What carrier to you have? I'm an old lady, but as I recall, if the carrier that provided the phone and the simm match, the simm can go in any phone of said carrier. Why do I mention? Because I have an extra phone from Cingular, with no SIMM. That would take care of you until you are "elgible for an upgrade".

I hate cell phone companies!!!!!

Between a death in the family and a kid that HAD TO HAVE A RAZOR for Christmas, I'm overloaded with Cingular phones sans SIMM cards.

Dos cervesas, por favor. Dos mas, y dos mas, y dos mas!!!

ThePapaDog said...

I would gladly supply you with all the hooch in the world. Bet you didn't know I had a whole store waiting for ya...

That sucks about the cell phone. Actually I had my phone in a bag once along with a Dr. Pepper. Left work, got home, reached into bag to have a sip of Pep and the bottle was empty. Cell phone pulled a Dicaprio and drowned in a sugary, soda death.

I feel your pain.

Lets DRINK!

Marni said...

{{{ hugs }}}

Maybe Bootsie will show up and HE can give you a hug... (I think I just threw up a little)...

:)

Skylers Dad said...

My cell once leaped (of it's own accord mind you) to a watery death into a public toilet.

That's a decision that I hope nobody else ever has to make, leave it, pay the money, or go in for a rescue...

Lynda said...

So the iTrip was also victim of hairspray? I am grieving for your iTrip. Ok, and your phone too. Twist my arm, why don't you.

Erica AP said...

So does your purse smell like hairspray now? Maybe time for a new purse too... Electronics suck when they don't work. :)

g-man said...

{{{{{{{{{{{{ HUG }}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Is it wrong that I was laughing. I really do feel bad for ya, but it was a pretty comical recitation. Do you have any of your old cell phones still? they should be able to re-activate one.

Chris said...

I always thought everything was better in Canada. Those liars!

Peter Matthes said...

Can you hear me now?

molly said...

you know how i like to maneuver your blog? go like once a week a then a many entries to giggle through.

you are my raison d'etre.

Grant Miller said...

I will hug you (even though I hate giving hugs) for a little longer than comfortable and it will be very awkward.

Emma said...

poor you!
i once dropped my spanking new phone in the toilet the day i got it, failed not one but two exams, and got dumped by a guy all in the same day.
if it makes you feel any better.
it's always nice to hear about other people's shitty lives, right?
i hope mine helped you.

Amy said...

UN cerveza? I'm thinkin' more like ocho cerezas...

dirty said...

Bad things happen to naughty girls!

Kidding...

XOXO

Skylers Dad said...

Still need a hug?

Here you go:

[[[[[[[hug]]]]]]]

The Boob Lady said...

pezda: Thank you for the IOU. I can't wait to cash it in. :)

Anon: I accept!! Thank you! I can feel it from here! My SIMM card blows ass. It has to be a phone from my carrier, and I don't have another one. I think it's solely Canadian too. Thank you though!! ;)

ThePapaDog: I can't wait to come to your hooch store! I'll be there with bells on. Cheers!

Marni: Thank you so much! I hope Bootsie DOESN'T show up!!

Skylers Dad: What did you do? Did you leave it or rescue it?

Lynda: The iTrip is a whole nother story. I have no idea what happened to that!!

Erica: It totally reeks actually. I need to throw it in the wash and then possibly bust out a new one.

g-man: No, it's not wrong. I was too. Especially when the girl from the cell phone store busted me and showed me my REDRUM litmus dot. Skank.

Chris: They didn't lie, they just didn't tell you about the clutz that is the Boob Lady!

Peter Matthes: I laughed out loud when I read that.

molly: I love you. Ma plaisir ma belle!

Grant Miller: I love awkward hugs. Especially when they come from someone as handsome as you.

Emma: Ug. I feel your pain sister. Band together!!

Amy: Sí!!

Dirty: You are the wind beneath my wings.

Skylers Dad: YES! Thank you!

(((((HUGS)))))