Monday, March 05, 2007


Poor Jack has a tapeworm...

I discovered this by noticing that he had what appeared to be little grains of dried rice stuck to his bum.

Gross right?

I'd actually noticed it last week but it promptly went away so I thought it was my imagination or that he had litter glued to his ass.

Boy, was I wrong.

Last night I discovered that he truly did have a tapeworm and it was trying to come out like that ugly beast from Sigourney Weaver's tum tum in Alien.

This morning I called the vet and made sure that I could get a pill for him to take this evening.

I leave work a few minutes early so that I can get over there before they closed.

I got the pill that the veterinary assistant had so kindly pre-cut into quarters for me and paid for my booty.

Once home, I proceed about business as normal; petting both cats, throwing toys for fetch, putting on comfy clothes, you know, the usual.

Jack knows something is up.

I'm paying more attention to him than usual and he seems a little sketched out about this.

He's slinking around, going into the opposite room that I'm in, and looking behind him at all times in case the crazy lady creeps up on him.

I go into the kitchen to grab some butter, as the nice lady at the vet's office tells me it'll help the quarter pill slide smoothly down Jack's throat.

I lube up the pill, dip it in treat gravy for some added flavor, and sit on the floor.

After lulling Jack into a false sense of security, he climbs eagerly onto my lap.

I stroke his fur, coo sweet nothings in his ear, and prepare to do the deed.

I flip the helpless cat onto his back, take him gently by the scruff of his neck, and go for attempt number one.


He is writhing around, claws out, ready to leap in for the kill.

Apparently the butter and gravy are shitty ways to dupe your cat into taking a pill.

After three or four unsuccessful attempts at shoving a pill down his throat, a full black outfit full of Siamese cat hair, and a lovely gash on my otherwise blemish-free chin, I get the pill onto the back of his tongue.

At this point, he has no choice but to swallow it.
He licks his nose multiple times, throws me the stink eye, and moans.

I suppose at this point he could have chosen to barf on me, but thankfully I avoided that.

An hour later, Jack finally forgave me.


Anonymous said...

here's one up for you: try cutting an autistic toddler's hair. It's like trying to give a cat AND a pill at the same time! Completely out of Matthew 12:8-- that biz about "there shall be much wailing and gnashing of teeth."

I've found it easier to grind the pill up completely and sprinkle it on tuna-- most cats will crawl o'er a mile of broken glass for tuna, especially human tuna, like Chicken of the Sea (a brand name i've NEVER understood...)

Peter Matthes said...

I hope Jack feels better soon.

g-man said...

Try putting in a contact lens on a two month old baby.

When our cat(s) needed meds it was just easier to gram 'em, wrap them up, force their mouths open and jam the pill down their throat with your finger. It sounds cruel, but I think that since it takes WAY less time, every one gets over it quicker.

I hope he gets better soon.

Lynda said...

Jack is very forgiving. Julius won't forgive me for 2 1/2 days.

Have you seen this before:

How to Give a Cat a Pill
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small wrench. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet mignon. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture store on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and call pet shop to see if they have any hamsters or fish.

Jen said...

poor Jack..
poor you too!

It sucks giving cats medicine

I had to give my cat
children's benadryl once
because he had a cold
-I didnt get it down his throat enough and he started foaming at the mouth like a rabid dog..

extremely unpleasant

Anonymous said...

Oh no, Poor little jack, I'm going to be talking to someone about regaining custody, give him a little cat hug for me.

Mombi said...

ICK, tapeworms!

I like to swaddle my cats in towels when I'm going to torture them with pills. When they see the towel coming out, they know they're in trouble, but once I have them in, they're trapped and can't claw the shit out of me.

Anonymous said...

That's what you get for having those tempermental siamese dudes. ...