Tuesday, December 05, 2006

She's Not As Big As You...And Yes, They're Mine...

After my hellish evening last night, I thought today at work would be a cake walk.

Boy, was I wrong.
I get to work and after the raucous evening with Carl, (my car) I think that all is well in the lock world.


I get out of the car, lock the door, and shut it.

It bounces off the hinges. It doesn't close, in other words.

After about 10 minutes of hip shakin', door bumpin' fun, I get the damn thing closed.

I go about my morning business in the store, trudging through leftover boxes from the night before, markdowns, phone calls, the usual shit.

About midday, a lovely 197 year old lady comes in the store.

She's hard of hearing, partially blind, and completely lacking in the tact gene.

After asking me for an "oversized shirt", (Which loosely translates to nightgown) I show her EVERY single thing in the store to no avail.

I ask her what size the girl is. (Standard question when senile old bags are looking for clothing for other people)

She turns to me and says:

"Well, she's not as big as you..."

I'm thinking; "Okay lady, back the fuck up before you say something you regret... I can kick that walker out from under you faster than you can say Depends."

She continues with: "I don't mean you, I mean your boobs, they're huge..."

My eyes widen for a fraction of a second before settling to their original width and I smile politely and say maybe she'd like to go to Wal-Mart. They're sure to have what she's looking for.

Cue melancholy music.

My boobs are huge. Yeah, so?


Flannery Alden said...

Oh, dear. Little old ladies and their lack of tack. Good move sending her to Walmart; that store has plenty of "oversized shirts".

Rob Anderson said...

My God that was hysterical!! But I'm sorry you had to undergo such an...assessment. I worked in retail for years and I know how rough it can be.

And the older folks get, the more brazen some of them become. I'll never forget being in the car with my grandparents one afternoon. They started arguing, which they often did, and it escalated to the point where my grandmother - my dear, sweet "memere" - shouted "Oh FUCK YOU!!"

It would have taken a steam shovel to lift my jaw off the floor of the backseat.

Big Orange said...

I like big boobs and I cannot lie...

I mean, why else do we call y'all The Boob Lady? :)

Well, *I* certainly plan to have absolutely no tact when I'm an old man... which I'm swiftly approaching the threshold for... Maybe I should start practicing now?? how about "lemmie see whatcha got there, sister!"