Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Oh, Ronald...

I spent the supper hour with a friend and her 6 year old daughter.

We went to McDonald's for supper and for a meet and greet with ol' Ronald McDonald himself.

There was a "show" and then autograph signing for the kiddies and lucky us, we were there.

Cleverly planned by the 6 year old, she invited me out for "girl's night" last week.

"Boob Lady?"

"Yeah, babe?"

"Do you think you might like to join us for girl's night at McDonald's on Wednesday?"

"Sure hon, I'd love to."

"Great, we'll see you then."

I figured it was just a regular supper and play date.

I was wrong.

Supper was finished, the kids were all running rampant, and the ruckus begins.

I hear loud voices over a microphone, sassy techno music, and screaming kids.

We all get ready to go out and investigate when in runs Ronald himself.

In a track suit.


I didn't know that Ronald was a fan of work out gear.

He comes in for the first round of hellos, smiles at all the kids, and spies us.

We're older than 6 year olds, and we're younger than 75.

In other words, we're fair game.

Ronald continues waving at the kids, looks over at me, smirks, and gives me the horns.

Who knew?

He makes more rounds, and comes back into the play area to where we've returned.
As A and I are sitting at the table talking, T runs back over.
Just as I'm saying that I bet Ronald is probably hot under all that make-up, T looks at me and I see her eyes take on a familiar 6 year old glisten.
I look at A, stifle a "Fuck", and proceed to say, no, his lipstick, he has to make his lips more red so that they match the rest of his face.
She wearily looks at me, squints her eyes, purses her lips, and casually walks over towards Ron.
She is studying him very intently and I see him look at her and smile.
She nods what can only be approval and comes back to us.
Why didn't I just tell her that fuckin' Santa was a fake too?
The Tooth Fairy? Her mother.
The Easter Bunny? Same.
As we're finally leaving, he spies us going to the door, waves and says goodbye to T, the 6 year old, and looks at me again.

Horns AGAIN!
I actually think I saw him bite his lower lip a little.
I smile, wave, and start to walk away.

A, T's mom, suggests to T that she should go ask Ronald if he'd like my number.

Off she runs.

Oh. My. God.

I scream at T, sneer at her mom, laugh out loud, and high tail it out.

T runs outside and tells me she asked him.

I'm laughing my ass off, almost in tears.

It was only after a few moments of seeing my panic stricken face that she admits she didn't really ask him, she just said bye.

Thank God.

Can you imagine the babies we would have made?


Paul Hughson said...

You'd definitely be walking funny... My God, look at the size of those shoes!

Lynda said...

He would always be stealing your lipstick. If you wear it, that is.

Anon. Blogger said...

That is a great story.

Boob Lady, in a former life I worked for a major corporation and our mascot was a clown.

Did you know that the clown left us cheerful voice mails sometimes? (gag)

Did you know that in the mid 1990's the clown went through an 'update', so that he could relate better to the youth of the time? Seriously. The memo made me roll on the floor. His shoes were updated, his hair was changed.... I should see if I can find before and after pics for my blog!

Finally, do you know who the original R. McD was?

You guessed it. Willard Scott was the first RMcD.

That is all, and Thank-you for playing.

RAYNOK the EGGMAN said...

Dressing up in a constricting and humiliating costume should be considered a talent. For a summer job I once had to wear a huge donut suit in a parade. It was 95 degrees inside that heavy costume, and I was bathing in my own sweat after 10 minutes of marching. Near the end a vicious pack of 13 year old girls pushed me and picked at the screen protecting my face, giggling like banshees. I was powerless to protect myself. Obviously, I quit the next day. I think any dude who can be in a costume like that, or the Ronald McDonald costume, on a regular basis is a pretty amazing dude. He must have incredible composure.

The Dancing Bear said...

Two all beef patties-special sauce.
What more could a girl ask for.

Chris said...

Your kids would have enormous boobs and enormous feet.

If someone already used this joke, please delete this.

stilettoheights said...

I think you should have gone out on one date with Ron....just for blog fodder,

SaM-GiRL said...

LOL!!! You could sail in those shoes....and about the lipstick, I dont even think Madonna still wears that shade! so ur safe!

coffeypot said...

It could have been worse. It could have been Popeye. Then you would have to like spinach.

Erica AP said...

What would happen if you did go out with him? Would you be expecting him to look like Ronald? During sexy time would you be thinking you are having sexy time with Ronald McDonald? That could be very disturbing... Or maybe very kinky... Depending if you're into clowns or not.

Grant Miller said...

Did you know Ronald McDonald has a clown penis?

Jen said...

free french fries
& chocolate shakes..

it would have
been worth it

Dan said...

Ronald McDonald is a lech. He's a damned menace to society. He should be arrested.

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

like the Simpsons episode where Marg asks Homer to wear the Plow King Jacket before he comes to bed, I'm having images of you shacking up with the guy portraying ronald and telling him "no, I want you with the make-up on"

Crazy Eddie said...

OMG... the horns. I'm effing peeing over here...

Ronald McDonald by day, male street-walker by night. He always gave me that vibe. You just confirmed it... lol.

When I clicked the "horns" link, I fell over. Loved it girly.


Dr Zibbs said...

That's it! I'm sending the King over to kick his ass. Please kindly let me know the McDonalds location.

Dave Evanns said...

I would wonder if the carpet matched the drapes.

Anonymous said...

Go to my blog and you can see the baby you would have made.

Emma said...

oh, motherpluckers.
why would you do such a thing to me?
how am i supposed to visit your blog if i have to see that evil crack whore satanic demon of the underworld, ronald mcdonald, whenever I do?
he scares the living shit out of me.

The Boob Lady said...

Paul: You're right, I'd be walking with a swagger.

Lynda: I don't wear it, but I also don't want my man to be wearing it. Unless I put it on him.

Anon: Thank you. I try my best to please the masses. PLEASE hunt for the pictures. I can't wait. Frickin' Willard Scott. Like he isn't creepy enough?

RAYNOK: Did you kick those girls in the box? I would have.

Dancing Bear: You're right. I should have asked to see his Big Mac. Or told him that I shaved my McNugget.

Chris: Nobody used the joke, you, my friend, are the first. Hooray!

Stiletto: I think that he was probably semi-hot under the makeup. And let's face it, I'm a sure thing, I would have gone. ;) (Sorry mom..)

SaM-GiRL: Can you imagine me playing dress up in his canoes?

Coffeypot: You're right, it could have been worse. I hate spinach.

Erica: I would actually wonder if he was thinking Happy Meal, Fries, Tang, what? You don't know. He's Ronald McFuckinDonald! Oh, and I don't dig clowns.

Grant Miller: You'd know this how?

Jen: I think so too.

Dan: I agree. Let's get him.

Hootch: I laughed out loud. You do that to me all the time.
"I need the wig baby, show me the wig..."

Crazy Eddie: I'm sorry I made you pee. Unless it felt good, in which case, I'm not sorry. I'm glad I was able to confirm all your suspicions. Want to take him down together? "Horns"

Dr. Zibbs: Will you ask the King to bring me a chicken sandwich and onion rings? I'm really hungry.
I'm actually slightly terrified of the King. I had a nightmare about him once, he was peeking through my window.

Dave: I hope so. I love twirling my fingers in a bright red bush.

Amy: Dear Jesus.

Emma: I'm sorry. Please come back! They're not all like that!! :)

Diesel said...

That's right about Willard Scott. It was in Fast Food Nation. Crazy, huh?

I hooked up with Colonel Sanders once. The 80s were crazy.

Come play in my caption contest!

Peter Matthes said...

You know what they say about guys with big shoes.

Skylers Dad said...

You definitely should hook up with him! The down side is going on a date in a little tiny car with 15 other dudes packed into it...

The Boob Lady said...

Diesel: Done and Done. Hope I win. Mine was très smart!

Peter: No, what do they say? ;)

Skylers Dad: I think so too, I'm flexible though, so I can fit in the back with all the rest of the clowns.