My Apologies...

I'm sorry.

There is no excuse for what I am about to do.

I truly am sorry.

I found this over at TubaPants.

It has had me completely enraptured for the last 24 hours or so.

I want to stop. I really do.

I just can't.

Notice I'm not swearing in this post either?

I'm exhausted.

I don't have the energy to cuss.

If you have a spare 32487253987 hours to devote to something, go on over and do the "Impossible Quiz."

If not, go check it out anyway.

You'll thank me.

Wait, no you won't.

You're going to hate me.

It's worth it.

The Children...

Tonight, I told Mema that I had the names picked out for my as yet unborn children.

They shall be Mickey for a boy, and Trudy for a girl.

I imagine that they will look something like this:

Trudy shall have dark hair like her mother. (Me) She will need coke bottle gogs, and will need to shave at least twice daily. Her mullet is purely for style. I imagine that she'll be this weight at birth which will leave me, her mother, with a floppy, shaved roast beef-like vajayjay for life. No man will come near me again.


Mickey shall look somewhat like Mr. Bean. He will have beef tits and will need a diaper change long into adulthood. He will have a receding hairline starting at birth that will never grow in. Rogaine will not help. His motor skills will be limited due to the fact that he will have hot dog hands.

Dancers...

J-Dogg: I see you in line at the supermarket. Our eyes meet.

Partner8: Who the fuck are you?

J-Dogg: I mouth the words to you, as if in slow motion:

J-Dogg: Fuck me, Fuck me.

J-Dogg: My wishes are like poetry in your eyes. We want this moment to last forever.

Partner8: OMFG are you trying to cyber me?

J-Dogg: We are like two dancers, for whom the music never stops. I Kiss the top of your hand. You are taken aback by the bulge that forms in your thigh.

Partner8: Is that like cancer?

J-Dogg: If cancer is our love, then I hope you don't have the technology of chemotherapy.

Partner8: Good one romeo.

J-Dogg: You grab the bulge that you feel. you think it must be taking over your mind, there's
nothing else you can think of. My tubesteak to you is like a beautiful japanese haiku.

The salmon swim at night.
Towards your room.
The snow and the moon.

Partner8: that was never a haiku.

J-Dogg: To your light bulb I am the Thomas Edison of your sex. Without my light you would be lost in a sea of darkness.

Partner8: That made even less sense than your "haiku"

J-Dogg: So you ready to fuck then?

Partner8: You unbutton my pants, spew your load at the sight of my underwear, and your spent.

J-Dogg: ...

Partner8: ?

J-Dogg: I'm spent.

Ahh Yeah Kids...

This one's for Crazy Eddie.. Newports baby!

Chuck...

Oh Chuck Norris, you silly bastard you.

Ok folks.

Seriously.

Do you do a ton of karate kicks?

I know I do.

When I do, I want to be sure that I'm wearing my Chuck Norris Action Jeans.

If you read the ad closely, you'll notice that they won't bind your legs.

The unique "hidden gusset" will allow you to do your most fancy moves and not rip the crotch of your pants.

Cause, really, who wants to see your nut/vulva when you're doing your best roundhouse.

Amazing.

PS: Little known fact about Chuck Norris? They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

Sing Me The Blues...

A few of my Blog Friends have been down lately.

We're all suffering from Blog Depression.

It's sad.

But you can make a difference.

Check out this link and learn that you're not alone.

We're all in this together.

Gangsta...

Partner6: So you're really a 18 yr old girl right?

J-Dogg: Yeah, J for Julie.

Partner6: So whats with the "Dogg"

J-Dogg: Uh, It's cause I'm into the latina gangs and shit. You know, rollin with tha homies and shit.

Partner6: Oh, uh ok thats cool. So you ever seen a gun?

J-Dogg: Yeah like I got 6 guns.

Partner6: Thats cool, so you wanna see my gun?

J-Dogg: hehe, of course baby.

Partner6: I pull off my pants and show you my "gun".

J-Dogg: Ohh, it's so big.

Partner6: Yeah, what you want to do?

J-Dogg: Umm, i guess stroke it or something.

Partner6: It likes that.

J-Dogg: aight.

Partner6: Keep talking to me baby...

J-Dogg: I kiss you on the mouth, hard, but then gently.

Partner6: Mmmm, daddy like.

J-Dogg: I unzip my pants...

Partner6: Yes, show me what you got.

J-Dogg: I pull out my schlong, and rub it on your breasts...

Partner6: WTF?!

J-Dogg: Oh shit, I meant, your schlong! your schlong!

Partner6: I've had it with you queers trying to cyber me, I only fuck women...

J-Dogg: Shit just don't shoot me man, I wasn't serious about the guns I have, I'm unarmed!

Partner6: You dipshit.

J-Dogg: I whimper to myself...

J-Dogg: please don't shoot me Mr.

Pruney...

I totally have dishpan hands right now.

Sighting...

Rumour has it that there was a Boots sighting at the mall yesterday.

Sadly, this occurred on my day off.

Darn.

Eat Your Veggies...

Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?

MommyMelissa: Sure, you into vegetables?

Bloodninja: What like gardening an ****?

MommyMelissa: Yeah, something like that.

Bloodninja: Nuthin turns me on more, check this out

Bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes.

(pause)

MommyMelissa: is that it?

Bloodninja: You water your tomato patch.

Bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce?

MommyMelissa: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables... Can you make it a little more sexy for me?

(pause)

Bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach... Sexily.

Bloodninja: I ride your buttocks, like they were amber waves of grains.

MommyMelissa: Grain doesn't really turn me on... I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis.

Bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots.

Bloodninja: Damn baby your right, this s**t is HOT.

MommyMelissa: ...

Bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.

MommyMelissa: What the f**k is this madlibs? I'm outta here.

Bloodninja: Yah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see. Bitch.

MommyMelissa: whatever.

Link...

I added some new links to the side bar.

You know who you are!

For those of you that frequent the Boob Lady, you'll recognize the new ones.

Take a peek! I'm sure you'll enjoy.

Quiver Me Timbers...

Who doesn't want one of these?

Guys; it'll maximize her pleasure. Yours too! I promise.

Gals; Please! You have to do virtually NO work!

It's win, win!

Plus, the glow in the dark feature means that you'll never have to look at porn in the dark anymore!

*Phew*

I Want It That Way...

I shall let this speak for itself.

It's Not Delivery...

Bloodninja:Wanna cyber?

DirtyKate:OK, but don't tell anybody ;-)

DirtyKate:Who are you?

Bloodninja: I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot

Bloodninja:And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's in my Geo Storm.

DirtyKate:You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..

Bloodninja:Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an order

DirtyKate: Haha! OK

DirtyKate:Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce.

Bloodninja:Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John's, how may I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want?

DirtyKate:I want everything, baby!

Bloodninja:Is this a delivery?

DirtyKate:Umm...Yes

DirtyKate:So you're bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I'm home alone... and I think I'll take a shower...

Bloodninja:Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I'll drive to your house.

**pause**

DirtyKate:I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry up!

Bloodninja:You can't hurry good pizza.

Bloodninja:I'm on my way now though

**pause**

DirtyKate:So you're at my front door now.

Bloodninja:How did you know?

Bloodninja:I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table.

Bloodninja:Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza oven

DirtyKate:Oooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all wet and cold. Warm me up baby

Bloodninja:So you're still in the bathroom?

DirtyKate:Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself.

Bloodninja:I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door....

DirtyKate:What the f**k?

DirtyKate:You perverted piece of s**t

DirtyKate:F**k

Mothers Day...

Don't worry!

There's still time!



Get 'em while they're hot!

Mmmmm...

Before leaving work tonight, I beheld such an astonishing sight it brought tears to my eyes.

I saw a woman.

A woman of about 60.

A 60ish woman in a cloak.

A red cloak.

She had on hooker boots.

Hooker boots OVER her jeans.

The best part of the whole ensemble?

Her hair.

It was delicately styled just so.

Her flaxen locks gave her an air of mystery.

Where is this woman from?

Does she know that her fashion sense is unparalleled?

Does she know that the RAT TAIL/MULLET COMBO is not cool??

Holy Fuck.

I've dubbed it the: Mmmratlet.

That's right.

Roll it off your lips.

Mmmmmmmmmratlet.

It's fucking beautiful, isn't it?

*Sigh*

Treasure...

Bloodninja: I lick your earlobe, and undo your watch.

Sarah19fca: mmmm, okay.

Bloodninja: I take yo pants off, grunting like a troll.

Sarah19fca: Yeah I like it rough.

Bloodninja: I smack you thick booty.

Sarah19fca: Oh yeah, that feels good.

Bloodninja: Smack, Smack, yeeeaahhh.

Bloodninja: I make some toast and eat it off your ass. Land O' Lakes butter all in your crack. Mmmm.

Sarah19fca: you like that?

Bloodninja: I peel some bananas.

Sarah19fca: Oh, what are you gonna do with those?

Bloodninja: get me peanuts. Peanuts from the ballpark.

Sarah19fca: Peanuts?

Bloodninja: Ken Griffey Jr. Yeaaaaahhh.

Sarah19fca: What are you talking about?

Bloodninja: I'm spent, I jump down into the alley and smoke a fatty. I throw rocks at the cats.

Sarah19fca: This is stupid.

Bloodninja: Stone Cold Steve Austin gives me some beer.

Bloodninja: Wanna Wrestle Stone Cold?

Bloodninja: Yeeaahhhh.

Sarah19fca: /ignore

Bloodninja: Its cool stone cold she was a bitch anyway.

Bloodninja: We get on harleys and ride into the sunset.

Caption This...

I'm not entirely sure what's happening here, so I'm asking for your help.

What do you think is occuring?

Man?

Beast?

Sock it to me.

MuuMuu Mema...

Thanks to Blogger Idol, my poor Mema is now confined to her Jazzy with her lobster claws.

I can just picture her now, in her muumuu with her lavender-grey hair, cursing me for making her vote on Blogger Idol.

She's whizzing around town, shaking her claw, cursing the day I was born.

Thank you Blogger Idol, for making my mother of the future a decrepit old lady with colored hair, smoke hanging from her lipstick stained mouth, one big curler in the front of her hair that serves no purpose other than looks, one crippled hand on the controller for her electric wheelchair, whipping around corners, screaming "You fruits wouldn't know what to do with me."

Fuschia...

To the lady with the fuschia hair that came into my store today:

Bitch, Please.

You look like a clown.

You're sixty.

It just ain't right.

**This is my 200th post! Hooray for Boobs!!!**