Fucking Beautiful...

Prepare to create a visual for yourselves.

A visual that may or may not frighten you.

A visual that made my brain bleed a little.

A visual that you will probably regret having somewhere down the line.

A visual that you will hold me responsible for.

It is nightmare inducing to most.

I apologize in advance.

The following is a true story, names and locations have been changed to protect the innocent.

Date: Friday, January 26, 2007.

Time: 11:00 am.

Location: Lingerie Store

Circumstances: The Boob Lady was minding her own business, doing her morning paperwork, when in walks a couple seemingly looking for hosiery.

Don't be fooled.

The couple combined must have weighed about 550 pounds. (I'm being kind)

The gentleman comes in and asks if I have any hosiery.

I kindly reply no, but give the couple some alternate suggestions as to where they might find some.

As they are turning to leave, the wife rounds the corner and the gentleman rushes back in.

I, being naive, think that he must be searching for a secret Valentine's Day present for his wife when he asks me if I have any 42 DD bras.

I tell him what I have, show him a couple of pieces and tell him that there are other colors as well.

He then asks me what size my panties go up to.

I reply that we stock up to an extra large and he seems relieved.

He then proceeds to tell me that the extra large panty seems to fit HIM the best.

He prefers something in a microfibre, the silkier the better.

Imperceptible to the naked eye, my right eye twitches and my mouth turns down.

I shit you not folks, this man was looking for himself.

He wanted something naughty (Which, at the time, I didn't have) to bring home with him that day.

He then proceeds to show me the manssiere that he is currently sporting and tells me where he bought it.

He prefers something with a molded cup, a little padding, so that it gives him some uplift.

I, meanwhile, am chanting in my head, "Pretend he's a woman, pretend you're dealing with a woman..."

I nod and smile in all the right places and listen to his comments and answer his questions with ease since I'm a fucking professional.

As he's leaving, I'm looking at the ground, trying to decide how best to tell this story.

I think surely nobody will believe this, but decide how to put it nonetheless.

He turns back to me to tell me that he bought this "sexy" pair of boots at the adult store in town just yesterday in a size 14.

He describes that they are lovely, they lace all the way up the front and zip up the side.

They go to the knee and are "Fucking Beautiful!"

I can barely fit my own damn man calves into a pair of hooker boots. How in the hell is this guy doing it?

As mentioned at the beginning of the post, I apologized.

Again, my condolences.

I am the customer service champion of the world.