Blogger's My Bitch...

This latest "technical difficulty" may have been the last straw.

I may finally move to Wordpress like some of the others.

For the past week or so, I haven't been receiving comments. (I'm sure you've noticed since many of you have said "what gives" or "I thought I left a comment but...)

I haven't been getting them in my e-mail inbox and then I think that nobody likes me anymore.

Turns out that something was wrong with that and I WAS getting comments, I could only see them when I logged onto Blogger.

Rest assured that I've answered all the comments left here and that it'll never happen again.

Why Didn't Somebody Stop Me...

While we're waxing nostalgic, here's a keeper...

Please overlook the plaid flannel and the suspenders. It also appears as though I'm wearing mom jeans.

Two words:

Foreshadowing much?

Both Ways...

See this kids?

This is me, as a wee one.

Walking to school.

Uphill, both ways.

With one shoe.

My parents are the epitome of cruel.

Flenker!!!

I recently asked Flenker a series of random questions..

Please go visit his site to see how he answered things like what kind of tire he'd be, and what he'd do with his boobs!!

Finale Time...

Well folks, without further ado, here is the Grand Finale of the Blood Ninja series. I assure you, if I get more, I will pass them along to you.
-----------------------

sweet17 : Hi

Bloodninja : hello

Bloodninja : who is this?

sweet17 : just a someone?

Bloodninja : A someone I know?

sweet17 : nope

Bloodninja : Then why the hell are you bothering me?

sweet17 : well sorrrrrry

sweet17 : I just wanted to chat with you

Bloodninja : why?

sweet17 : nevermind your an jerk

Bloodninja : Hey wait a minute

sweet17 : yes?

Bloodninja : look I'm sorry. I'm just a little paranoid

sweet17 : paranoid?

Bloodninja : yes

sweet17 : of what?

sweet17 : me?

Bloodninja : No. I'm in hiding.

sweet17 : LOL

Bloodninja : Don't fucking laugh at me!

Bloodninja : This shit is serious!

sweet17 : What are you hiding from?

Bloodninja : The cops.

sweet17 : gimme a fucking break

Bloodninja : I'm serious.

sweet17 : I don't get it

Bloodninja : The cops are after me.

sweet17 : For what?

Bloodninja : I'm wanted in three states

sweet17 : For???

Bloodninja : It's kindof embarrasing.

Bloodninja : I had sex with a turkey.

Bloodninja : Hello?

sweet17 : You are fucking sick.

Bloodninja : Send me your picture.

sweet17 : why?

Bloodninja : so I know you aren't one of them.

sweet17 : One of what?

Bloodninja : The cops.

sweet17 : I'm not a cop i told you

Bloodninja : Then send me your picture.

sweet17 : hold on

Bloodninja : Hurry up.

Bloodninja : Are you there?

Bloodninja : Fuck you, cop!

sweet17 : Hey sorry

sweet17 : I had to do something for my mom.

Bloodninja : I thought you were trying to find a picture to send to me.

Bloodninja : When really you were notifying the authorities.

Bloodninja : Weren't you!?

sweet17 : thats not it

Bloodninja : Then what?

sweet17 : I don't want to send you the picture cause I'm not pretty

Bloodninja : Most cops aren't

sweet17 : IM NOT A FUCKING COP YOU ASSHOLE!

Bloodninja : Then send me the picture.

sweet17 : fine. What's your e-mail?

Bloodninja : Just send it through here.

sweet17 : alright *PIC*

sweet17 : Did you get it?

Bloodninja : Hold on. I'm looking.

sweet17 : That was me back in may

sweet17 : I've lost weight since then.

Bloodninja : I hope so

sweet17 : what?!?

sweet17 : that hurt my feelings.

Bloodninja : Did it?

sweet17 : Yes. I'm not that much smaller than that now.

Bloodninja : Will it make you feel better if I send you my picture?

sweet17 : yes

Bloodninja : Alright let me find it.

sweet17 : kks

Bloodninja : Okay here it is. *PIC*

sweet17 : this isn't you.

Bloodninja : I'll be damned if it ain't!

sweet17 : You don't look like that.

Bloodninja : How the hell do you know?

sweet17 : cause your profile has another picture.

Bloodninja : The profile pic is a fake.

Bloodninja : I use it to hide from the cops.

sweet17 : You look like the Farm Fresh guy lol

Bloodninja : Well, you look like you ATE the Farm Fresh guy....

Bloodninja : Not to mention all the groceries.

sweet17 : Go fuck yourself

Bloodninja : I was going to until I saw that picture

Bloodninja : Now my unit won't get hard for a week.

sweet17 : I shouldn't have sent you that picture.

sweet17 : You've done nothing but slam me.

sweet17 : you hurt me.

Bloodninja : And calling me the Farm Fresh guy doesn't hurt me?

sweet17 : I thought you were bullcrapping me!

Bloodninja : Why would I do that?

sweet17 : I can't believe that cops are after you

Bloodninja : I can't believe Santa lets you sit on his lap..

sweet17 : FUCK YOU!!!

Bloodninja : You'd break both of his legs.

sweet17 : You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE!

sweet17 : I've been teased my whole life because of my weight

sweet17 : and you make fun of me when you don't even know me

Bloodninja : Ok. I'm sorry.

sweet17 : No you aren't

Bloodninja : You're right. I'm not.

Bloodninja : HAARRRRR!

sweet17 : I'm done with you

Bloodninja : Aww. I'm sorry.

sweet17 : I'm putting you on ignore

Bloodninja : Wait a sec

Bloodninja : We got off on the wrong foot.

Bloodninja : Wanna start over?

sweet17 : No

Bloodninja : I'll eat your kitty

sweet17 : You'll what?

Bloodninja : You heard me.

Bloodninja : I said I'd eat your kitty.

sweet17 : I thought you said you couldn't get it hard after seeing my picture

Bloodninja : Do I need a hard-on to eat your kitty?

sweet17 : I'd like to know that the man eating me out is excited yes

Bloodninja : Well I'm not like most men.

Bloodninja : I get excited in different ways.

sweet17 : Like what?

Bloodninja : Do you really wanna know?

sweet17 : I don't know

Bloodninja : You have to tell me yes or no.

sweet17 : I'm afraid to

Bloodninja : Why?

sweet17 : cause

Bloodninja : cause why?

sweet17 : well lets see

sweet17 : you say you have sex with turkeys. You call me fat. then you wanna eat me out

sweet17 : doesn't that seem strange to you?

Bloodninja : Nope

sweet17 : well its strange to me

Bloodninja : Fine. I won't do it if you don't want me to

sweet17 : I didn't say that

Bloodninja : So is that a yes?

sweet17 : I guess so.

Bloodninja : Ok. I need your help getting excited though.

Bloodninja : Are you willing?

sweet17 : What do you need me to do?

Bloodninja : I need you talk like a pirate.

sweet17 : ???

Bloodninja : When I start to go limp... you say "HARRRR!!!"

Bloodninja : ok?

Bloodninja : Hello?

sweet17 : You can't be serious

Bloodninja : Oh yes I am!

Bloodninja : It's my fantasy.

sweet17 : this is retarded

Bloodninja : Do you want it or not?

sweet17 : Yes I want it.

Bloodninja : Then you'll do it for me?

sweet17 : sure

Bloodninja : Ok. Here we go.

Bloodninja : I gently remove your panties and being to massage your thighs.

Bloodninja : You get really juicy thinking about my tounge brushing up against them

Bloodninja : I softly begin to tounge your wet kitty.

Bloodninja : I run my tounge up and down your smooth cunt.

sweet17 : mmmm yeah

Bloodninja : uh oh ...going limp.

sweet17 : Har

Bloodninja : You gotta do better than that!

Bloodninja : Your picture was really bad.

sweet17 : HARRRRRRRRRRRR

Bloodninja : Ahhhh. Much better. I feel your kitty get more moist with every stroke.

Bloodninja : I softly suck on your clit bringing it in and out of my mouth.

Bloodninja : Your juices run down my chin as your scent makes its way to my nose.

Bloodninja : I begin to feel empowered by your femininity.

sweet17 : mmmmmm you are good

Bloodninja : I feel your thighs tighten as I suckharder

Bloodninja : going limp

sweet17 : HARRRRRRR

Bloodninja : Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks in my hands.

Bloodninja : You begin to sway back and forth.

Bloodninja : going limp

sweet17 : this is stupid

Bloodninja : ...still limp

Bloodninja : Do it!

sweet17 : HARRRRRRRRRRRRR

Bloodninja : I turn you around to lick your asshole.

Bloodninja : I pry apart that battleship you call your ass.

Bloodninja : I see poo nuggets hanging from the hair around your ass.

sweet17 : WTF?!?!?

Bloodninja : They stink really bad.

sweet17 : OMG STOP!!!

Bloodninja : I start to get fed up with your ugly ass

Bloodninja : I tear off your wooden peg leg.

Bloodninja : I ram it up your ass.

sweet17 : YOURE A FUCKING PYSCHO!!

Bloodninja : Then I pour hot carmel over your head.

Bloodninja : And turn you into a fucking candy apple...

Bloodninja : I kick you in the face!

sweet17 : FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!!

Bloodninja : The celluloid from your cheeks hits the side of the cabin...

Bloodninja : Your parrot flys away.

Bloodninja : ...going limp again.

Bloodninja : Hello?

Bloodninja : Say it!

Bloodninja : HAARRRRRR!!!!!

B-A-C-K...

Boob Lady's Back
Hip Hip Hooray!

Farce...

I just watched a movie called "The Farce of the Penguins."

I highly suggest that you watch it.

I laughed out loud many times.

Cheesy? Yes.

Not for kids? Check.

Should you watch it? Absolutely.

See it here.

My favorite lines?

"If I had testicles, they'd be up inside my body by now."

"If you had testicles, you'd be getting raped by a seal."

or

"I'm so fed up with the club scene."

"So are baby seals!"

Also, while you're there, check out all the other stuff. You'll never watch tv again.

Sorry.

Or, you're welcome, depending on how you feel about me after you visit the site.

Vacation...

I'm on vacation!!!

Huzzah!

There will be a slight blog hiatus.

Don't get your panties in a bunch, I'll be back soon!

I'll post some goodies tonight so that you've got some shit to tide you over.

xx

Super...

I.F. : My shit is hard you ready to jump aboard?

1hOttYeVe : oh yhea im so wet right now

I.F. : Why you just shower?

1hOttYeVe : no im wet for you

I.F. : Did you ever play with supersoakers when you were a kid? or that gator shit you would dive and slide down, there was that badass pool at the end of it.

1hOttYeVe : What the fuck are you talking about? You wanna cyber or not?

I.F. : I do! Sorry...I just didnt know why you were wet...then you say your wet for me, and im thinking I didnt even throw water on you...

I.F. : Im sorry lets continue!

1hOttYeVe : alright then...I walk over to you and start kissing your neck and chest

I.F. : I pop like 16 boners

1hOttYeVe : what the fuck!

I.F. : what?

Feel Good...

This is your mom:





This is your mom on drugs.



I love it.

5 Dolla Make You Holla...

I was at the grocery store picking up my requisite case of Pepsi, when from beneath it, flutters a five dollar bill.

I quickly scooped it up before anyone noticed that it didn't come out of my pocket.

Should I have looked for its rightful owner?

Was I wrong?

Am I going to jail?

Hey, Wonky Eye...

Don't drop the soap.

Shhh...

Recently, Grant Miller of Grant Miller Media decided that I was worthy enough for interview purposes.

I am humbled and so very honored that he chose to ask me hard hitting questions.

Read on my fellow bloggers, you won't learn much though.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

-----------------------

You're Canadian. Why do Canadians mispronounce "schedule?"

It's just how we roll. Depending on the conversation, I either say: "Shhedule", or "Skedoole". I swing it to the person of interest. How do you say it?

You work in a lingerie store. Do Canadians measure chest sizes differently than Americans. Do they use the metric system - you know centimeters instead of inches? Or do you use grams?

I go by inches. We use the same measurements you all do. The Europeans are the ones that fuck up the bra measurements, when one comes in to the store, I have to think back to what I've learned and go by centimetres. If I really want to impress someone, however, I will use grams. It's a great party trick.

Why are you The Boob Lady as opposed to "The Foot Lady" or "The Ankle Lady?"

I am the Boob Lady because I deal with boobs all day long. If I worked in a shoe store, or was a podiatrist, I suppose I could be the Foot Lady or the Ankle lady.


I have a lot of perverts and sickos that visit my site searching for porn. When they invariably find my site lacks porn, they sometimes click your blog, primarily because of your screen name. What would you like to say to the sickos, perverts and deviants that visit your site?

Although most people find that your site lacks porn, I love the search words used to get to your site. I digress... I often throw a little shout to the perverts and deviants that visit my site. They more often than not find me by Googling "Post Your Beaver", or some form of "Boobs." I am okay with this, it's bringing them in. I don't have much to say to them. Sit, relax, put the porn clips on in the background, but have a good read, there's plenty there.


Why should people read your blog?

I have no real pull to keep readers in. The regulars are there and seem to enjoy it. I write whatever comes to mind, usually it's verbal diarrhoea, sometimes it's funny, sometimes it's not. Sometimes it's pure shit used to fill a date. I'm easy. But I'm not cheap.

-------------------------

If you would like to be interviewed by the Boob Lady, drop me a line, I'll hook you up.

Opposable Thumbs...

Check out the "Mother's Day" email the "cats" sent me.

They're smarter than I give them credit for I guess.

I go out for groceries and this is what I come home to.

I bet they're the ones downloading all the porn too.

Hey Mommy, this is Todd, i know you always thought I was the dumb one but lets see Jack type this shit, He made me put his name on this letter but for the record I did all the work. A few requests on your special day, please stop calling me blockhead, meatball, gronk etc.....it hurts my feelings oh and jack says he dosn't need as much food as the average cat so you can put the extra in my dish. Besides that just wanted to tell you you are the best mom two little cats could ever hope for and we love you ( me a little more than jack ). Hope you have a wonderful mothersday.

Love Todd and jjjAACCKK ( jack insisted on typing his own name, dumbass)

It's All In The Nose(s)...

Read the store here.

Sweet Jesus...

Get some. Now.

Mema...

Mom, Mother, Mema, Mem, Woman Who Bore Me...

I truly don't know where to begin.

Never before have I had an outlet such as this in which to declare my love and appreciation for you. (More so than I do with the thousand calls a day I make to you at work.)

As we grow in our relationship together, I am more and more thankful everyday for your presence in my life.
--------------
You keep things together from so far away.

You effortlessly talk me down from my anxiety attacks from provinces over.

You help me pad my bank account when I am short on rent, (As I have been lately...) even when I know that you can't really afford to do so, what with another bank account leech, and your own financial needs. Or when I'm sure that you're thinking, but never saying: "Jesus, Child, you're almost 27, get your shit together..."

You sound just as happy to hear from me whether it's my first call of the day or my 76th.

You tell me things are going to be okay, even when I think that they're not.

You "Myeaaarrhh" with me, even when I tell you that you've gotta give me more.. "You need to do it this way..."

You make gag noises with me to the point that I'm laughing hysterically and I'm sure that Puppa is wondering what the fuck is wrong with us.

You have most recently said "Redrum" with so much passion that I almost, almost passed you the torch.

You listen to me cry, offer encouraging words, and wait until I've stopped to let me go.

You send me gas money so that I can go visit your baby, even when you've just sent him the equivalent of 198 months' rent.

You feel, I hope, that you can talk to me about "grown-up" things, like we're equals, not just mother and daughter.

You listen to me bitch about my life, boys, and my life with (or without) boys, and offer words of wisdom that only a mother can. (That, or you bitch with me!)

You buy silly things for my friends on eBay, and roll with the joke.

You send me care packages full of things that I should be able to buy for myself, but it's not the same if it's not sent with love.

You put a love letter in every care package, even if it's just a few words. (Usually.)

You tell me you're proud of me, even when I don't feel like I do anything special.

You tell me how beautiful I am, even when I feel hideous. (Because you have to.)

You laugh at the stupid pictures and videos I send to you.

You read everything I write, even the softcore porn.

You read as much as I do.

You have a loving, happy relationship with Puppa, that we are all so thankful for.

You gave me all the recipes I need to make someone happy, or cook for myself. (Which I rarely do lately.)

You play online poker with me almost every night.

You go along with it when I say I'm going to pimp myself out for grocery money, only asking for a small cut of the proceeds.

You hold my hand when I need it the most.

You're my best friend, my secret keeper, my backbone, my mother, my rock.

No words that I could ever write would properly sum up what you mean to me.

On this day, your day, Mother's day, I send all the love I have, hugs from afar, and all the thanks in the world.

Thank you for having me, for loving me, for always being here with me, even when you're not.

I love you.

Suggestive...

I'm looking for employees.

When one is looking for employees, one puts up a sign.

Do they not?

Anyway, I had an "Employment Opportunities Available" sign up in my window.

I guess my mistake was that I had put it on a stand, right in front of a mannequin.

Stay with me here, there's a punchline.

Last Saturday, as we're all working as usual, a woman and her husband walked by the store about three times.

I saw them look into the store each time they strolled by.

Assuming that they were making the mall laps like the rest of the people there that day, I thought nothing of it.

Until the last lap.

When they stopped in front of the window.

Pointing and laughing.

She finally comes in with hubby firmly in hand.

The following conversation ensued:

Me: "Hi there, how are you today?"

Her: "Hi, fine thanks."

Me: "Anything that I can help you with?"

Her: "Um, well, I noticed your sign in the window."

Me: "Great, are you looking?"

Her: "No. Don't you think that's kind of suggestive?"

Me: "Uhh, pardon me?"

Her: "The sign? Don't you think it's kind of suggestive??"

Me: "I'm not sure I follow. We're presently looking for employees so we put a sign in the window."

Her: "Well, it's right under a mannequin that's only wearing a bra and panty set."

Me: "I'm sure that when people see the sign, they know that we're not hiring for a mannequin or a bra model."

Her: "Well, I still think that it's rather suggestive. I think you should remove it."

Me: "I'm sorry you feel that way ma'am, but I'm sure that the people that are coming in to apply for a job are not in any way thinking that we're hiring for an armless, legless torso."

Her: ...

They both turned on their heels and left the store.

Was this a test of somekind?

Did I fail?

Bear...

I.F. : You ready yet? Im bearing to go!

SexyKarla17 : Yhea im slipping out of my clothes right now, what do you look like?

I.F. : a Kodiac bear

SexyKarla17 : ?

I.F. : Im soft naked, fuzzy and waiting for you to come mount me

SexyKarla17 : Oh I love cute fuzzy bears, I walk up and get on top of you stroking your soft hair,
kissing you gently as my move my way down your stomach

I.F. : I growl to warm you my cubs are near

SexyKarla17 : huh?

I.F. : Bears get fuckin pumped when anyone is near their cubs

Sexkarla17: yeah hehe dont be silly..

SexyKarla17 : I love how you growl as I continue to kiss you, while taking off your pants.

I.F. : Bears dont wear pants and you should cover yourself in Honey now

SexyKarla17 : hehe you would love to lick that off me huh. I pour honey all over my warm wet body waiting for you to start licking it off me slowly

I.F. : I sniff the air to see where the sweet scent of the honey is coming from, while slowly snorting and walking towards you

I.F. : I Growl again, and start to bite you

SexyKarla17 : Yhea that feels good..ooooo...not too hard now

I.F. : I bite harder peeling flesh from your stomach, and look up into your eyes to show you my mouth dripping with your warm blood mixed with honey, I then I let my cubs rip apart your limbs and play with you like a ragdoll.

SexyKarla17 : what the fuck?

I.F. :uuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh and im spent.

Treat Her Right...

Omazing...

Please, enjoy this piece of masterful choral ability. This guy should win some massive awards at the Grammy's this year.

Seriously.

I Lied...No Finale Yet...

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 280 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Sweetheart:

Taggee...

Chris tagged me with this one but since I don't get out much, I'm not sure how much wisdom I'll have to offer you. Since I'm pretty sure that NONE of you will ever be in my neck of the woods, I'll give you what I can...

The rules:

1. Add a direct link to your post below the name of the person who tagged you.
Include the city/state and country you’re in.

Nicole (Sydney, Australia)
velverse (Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia)
LB (San Giovanni in Marignano, Italy)
Selba (Jakarta, Indonesia)
Olivia (London, England)
ML (Utah, USA)
Lotus (Toronto, Canada)
tanabata (Saitama, Japan)
Andi (Dallas [ish], Texas, United States)
Lulu (Chicago, Illinois, United States)
Chris (Boyne City, Michigan, United States)
Boob Lady (Saint John, Canada)

2. List out your top 5 favorite places to eat at your location.

3. Tag 5 other people (preferably from other countries/states) and let them know they’ve been tagged. **See bottom**

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1. Billy's Seafood: A small restaurant near the uptown section of the city, Billy's is one of my favorite places to go. (I can only go here if there's money in my pocket, someone important is coming to visit, like my parents, (Who, for the record, haven't been) or, if someone else is paying...) It's located in the old Farmer's Market and also has a full fish market where you can buy goodies to take home. My favorite starter order at Billy's is their fresh calamari, sliced thinly, deep fried, and topped with grated parm. It's served with a delicious marinara sauce. I can't get enough, I'd eat it every day if I could. For my main course, I love their live lobster from the tank. Boiled to perfection, served with a wedge of lemon, and hot drawn butter. Amazing. I wear the bib, get dirty, suck the butter off my fingers, and love every second of it.

2. Vito's Dining Room and Lounge: This is your usual pizza joint with a little bit of a higher class atmosphere. You can eat in or take out and it's a good time. The place is chock full of delicious treats; amazing caesar salad, cheesy as hell garlic cheese fingers, great pizza, and scrumtious desserts. If you're feeling lucky, you can eat in the lounge and throw some money away at the slot machines too. There's only four of them but you can try your luck.

3. Jake's Steakhouse: This place is a quick fix when I need to leave the mall to eat. It's right across the street and they serve some good food. There's only so much eating in a dark back room, or food court I can handle. They serve a mean spaghetti, and their steaks are delicious and cheap. That's what counts right?

4. Cora's: AMAZING. I am in love with Cora's. I go here for breakfast when I can afford it, or can bother getting up early enough on a day off to enjoy it. They also serve lunch, but the breakfast is where it's at. Their menu is amazing, the food is fantastic, and you can watch people as they prepare your meals. Choices offered all have fun names and they specialize in fresh fruit smoothies as starters. Menu items include such delights as; crepes filled with a shitload of stuff like Nutella, fruit, crème anglaise, and pretty much anything else you could ever imagine. My favorite thing to order here is something called the "1980's Harvest." This meal includes the following: One egg cooked any style, your choice of bacon, ham, or sausage, a brioche, (which is basically a cinnamon roll that's been cut in half, dipped in French Toast batter, and fried accordingly...I know. WTF. Amazing? Yes.) and a MOUNTAIN of fresh fruit. I pretty much get this every time I go there. I can't sway myself to get anything else, it's got it all.

5. Jungle Jim's: This crazy restaurant is always good for a laugh. The décor is absolutely hilarious. Parrots, swinging monkeys, tiki torches, lanterns, you get the picture. There's always music playing and lots of people. The food is amazing and has hilarious names like Hippo Burgers, Rhino Ribs, and The Kitchen Sink. I always get the chicken taquitos and then depending on my mood, a pasta dish, or some ribs. They also have a crazy drink called the Jumbo Hurricane. One of these can pretty much get me a good snap on.

Since I know that most of you won't do this tag, I won't put you through the agony of having to do it. If you'd like to, please, I'd love to read it, if not, I won't hold it against you.

Grand Finale...

I was going to post the Grand Finale of the Blood Ninja posts, but I fear that it is too graphic in nature.

I'm going to decide in the next day or so if I feel that I can put it up and not feel badly about it.

I may have to censor it.

Let me know what you think.

Awkward...

The owner of my building just dropped by.

He came to collect my rent and check to see that all was going well for me in my new apartment.

I handed over my rent, told him about the one incident where the upstairs neighbour had some sort of flood and it had come down into my bathroom.

He asked to see if there was any damage.

Of course I obliged.

I usher him into my bathroom to show him that there is very little carnage.

As I'm fanning my hand over the area like one of Barker's Beauties, my eyes land on suspicious items.

It is then that he reddens and I realize fully that I have two very obvious ornaments on the sink area.

Yes, that's right.

Two of my favorite late night dates are resting on the counter.

No matter where I am in the bathroom, there is very little room to maneuver myself in front of the boyfriends he's already seen.

I try to show him the area of the floor where there was water while practically sitting on the counter, blocking his view.

I've basically got him pressed up against the wall with my boobs so that he can barely turn around.

I've got a big mirror behind the door on the outside so you pretty much have to shimmy sideways to get in or out.

He's trapped.

He came face to face with Big Glitter and Little Purple.

I'm mortified.

He thanks me for my time, scurries out quickly, wishes me a good night, and is gone.

I live alone.

With two cats.

So?

Yum...

Cookie Ears came into the store tonight.

Her ears look even bigger since she's wearing earrings that appear to be fashioned out of giant sequins.

Her earrings could actually be a brooch that you see on an 89 year old woman.

Just thought you'd like to know.

Arch Nemesis...

There's a lady at my Head Office who I more often than not butt heads with.

I like to call her Ping Pong.

I believe that she lives to make my life a living hell.

She probably gets up in the morning and thinks about what she can conjure up to piss me off.

She always wins.

She's my Newman.

She often calls me about the most trivial things and while I try to retain my composure, I often crack.

I try to devise a new plan everyday for ways to get her fired.

She's dumber than a bag of rocks.

Her voice is shrill, not unlike the sound that very, very long fingernails might make while raked across a freshly cleaned chaulk board.

If I ever come home and post something snarky, it's probably because I've spoken with Ping Pong at least once in the day.

I know I shouldn't take her idiocy out on you but I can't help it.

She really gets under my skin.

A snippet from today's conversation:

"Hiiiiiii Boob Ladyyyyy, it's Pinggggggg Pong!"

"Hi."

"I don't understand what happened heeeeeere..."

I explain.

"Nooooo, I don't understand."

I reiterate my previous sentence, speaking ever. so. slowly.

"No, no, no..."

"YES PING PONG."

"No, no, I don't understand..."

Again, I restate my previous points.

"Ok, ok, ok, ok... Nevermind, I will feegure it out."

"Thanks."

"Byeeeeeeeeeee!"

Click.

She makes me want to stab my ears with rusty spoons.

She's so bad that I've bumped her up in place of my previous, years long arch nemesis.

Anyone who knows me knows that my decades old arch nemesis is a big deal, I don't just replace her easily.

She's rightfully earned her place on my shit list.

You'll get yours Pong.

You'd better watch your back.

Pick Up The Phone...

As much as it pains me to do this, I'm going to send some more readers over to Gregg's site.

We had a lovely conversation last night in which he interviewed me over the telephone.

He takes hard hitting topics and grills me to the core.

Go check it out, you'll get to find out all about me and hear my sexy Canadian voice for yourselves!

Advice...

I need some advice kids...

Spiderman 3 or Wild Hogs?

It's pretty much a gimme right?

Wild Hogs?

Cookies...

To the lady with the ears as big as giant chocolate chip cookies that I saw at the mall today:

Please, please, please put those mother fucking giant cookie ears away.

At least put your hair over them.

They were huge.

Unsightly.

You're like some kind of giant cookie ear monster.

I'm scurred.

Sincerely,

The Boob Lady

Kama, Kama, Kama, Kama, Kama, Kameleon...

**READER DISCRETION ADVISED**
Jdogg:Hey

QT-Pie:Hey

Jdogg:whats goin on

QT-Pie:Nothing. Who are you?

Jdogg:Jdogg. Wanna cyber?

QT-Pie:what does that mean?

Jdogg:what are you wearing?

QT-Pie:T-shirt. Jeans.

Jdogg:Garter belt?

QT-Pie:Ummm...no.

Jdogg:Are we gonna cyber or not?

QT-Pie: uh, okay.

Jdogg:Sweet, I start by rubbing your ass all around. You love this.

Jdogg: You're wet already. I can smell your pussy stink from here.

QT-Pie: WHAT?!

Jdogg: I execute standing position 12 from the Kama Sutra. Passion fills the room. Your head is close to the ceiling fan.

Jdogg:You leave everything to jdogg.

Jdogg:I am completely inside of you. You are my dick puppet. I put on a little play.

QT-Pie:This is weird. I should go.

Jdogg: I drop you on the ground, and lay a stripe down your back.

QT-Pie: A stripe?

Jdogg: I need a sandwich.

QT-Pie: You're a freak.

Jdogg: I was great. You loved it.