Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Carl...

I got Carl back.

Details to follow.

You Know It's Going To Be A Bad Day...

Hilarious quotes from co-worker and friend extraordinaire T...
--------------
1)

"I left something out. Something important..." (T)

"What?" I say.

"He was wearing deck shoes." (T)

Silence...

"Hmm." (Me)
--------------------







2)
"I went to the vending machine and was going to get Peanut Butter Cups." (T)

"And..." (Me)
"I got Rolaids..." (T)


"Oh." (Me)

"You know when you press Peanut Butter Cups and you get Rolaids that it's going to be a bad day."
-----------

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Burnout...




I'm suffering from major blog burnout.

Like many of my fellow bloggers, I feel as though I've hit a brick wall.

What to post?

Nothing truly funny has happened at work lately.

Nothing exciting is happening in my life. (Like it ever does...)

I just don't know what to write about.

Clearly the Tang and the Monkey were fillers.

Fillers so you'd come back to me.

Please don't leave.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Yuck, Yuck...




"Look Ma! I done found uh munkey in uh egg!!"

"Can we keep it?"

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Ahh, Tang...


Enough said.
Go, go now!
Get some tang!

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Day Off...



After working all day today, I went to the grocery store to pick up some things I needed to bake and make supper.

For my brother.

Yeah, that's right.

On my day off tomorrow, I'm going to be playing the part of mother hen.

I am driving to see my brother and am bringing with me a treasure trove of goodies.

He will be receiving Rice Krispie Treats, Chocolate Chip Cookies, and a Shepherds Pie.

All from scratch.

I am the best sister on the planet.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Post Your Beaver...




Lately I've been noticing that people are finding their way to my blog by Googling "Post Your Beaver" or "postyourbeaver.com".

If this is how you found me, I'm sorry if I misled you.


My beaver was red, and it was technically a can opener.

The only other beaver you'll see on here will probably be one that feasts on stacks of sticks and branches and then makes dams out of them.

Unless you're my boyfriend or one night stand, you're not going to see my beaver.

Unless you name the right price.

In which case, I'll show you my beaver.

But only if it pays off my debt.

And gets me a new car.

And buys me new clothes.

And a house.

I guess that would make me a prostitute wouldn't it?


No matter.

Clovis...




Perhaps you are looking for some new art for your home, some pleasing eye candy, or just something to trip out to.

If so, please, go here!

I didn't give Ex-TM much publicity when we were dating, mostly because I wasn't about to be overshadowed...
I figure that now since we've split, I should give him some hits.

You won't regret it.

He's a fantastic artist.

Just because I'm now seeing Chaz from the local grocery store doesn't mean that Ex-TM and I aren't friends.

Ex-TM and I get along swimmingly and I'm sure that he's happy for me and Chaz.

Enjoy the eye party, say hello, buy something pretty for your walls, whatever your heart desires...

Just make sure he knows who sent you!!
**Link has been repaired, my apologies...**

Snow watch...













The boys watching the snow today...
I know, the cuteness is unbearable.

Vice Versa...

He's navy blue, fully loaded, dead sexy, and sometimes, if I listen real close, he whispers sweet nothings in my ear...


---------------
After poor Carl got smoked on Wednesday, the fine people at Enterprise came to pick me up in preparation for the rental car I would be driving for the next week or so.

The car they gave me far surpassed anything Carl has ever been to me.

It's almost as though, for the next week or so, Carl doesn't exist.

I swear, if the car was small enough, we'd be spooning in bed together, giggling like teenagers, and probably, by now, making it to second base.

I don't want to give it back.

Don't make me.

Melba Toast...











Melba Toast is one of my favorite things.

I ate an entire sleeve of Melba Toast last night.

Don't judge me.

Erica apparently has no idea what Melba Toast is and that makes me sad.

I'm hoping that these pictures will help jog her memory.

At the very least they will inspire her to go buy some damn Melba Toast and savor it like it should be savored.

I encourage you all to eat a piece of Melba Toast today.

Please?

Do it for the children.

Sad Coat...



After work today, T and I went to grab an ice cream.

The ice cream was expensive.

The ice cream was delicious.

We got our ice cream in Oreo covered, chocolate dipped waffle cones.

T polished hers off like the champion that she is, while I struggled with mine.

We decided to then leave the mall and go to my car.

On the walk down the hallway, I notice that my ice cream is slowly dripping down my hands as there is a hole at the base of my cone.

Let it be known that I had a stumpy cone to begin with.

Once in my car, the ice cream seeped through the hole in the cone, down my hands, and all down the front of my jacket.

I did not wipe it up with a napkin.

I scraped it up with my finger.

I ate it.

Is that wrong?

Got Change...


I know you've all been waiting eagerly for my newest disturbing item.

The wait is over.

Don't all email me at once for one of these.

They only come a couple of times a year.

Or as many times as I can catch a frog.

It's usually tadpoles and I can't stuff them or insert a zipper can I?

Rest assured, nobody will EVER ask you to borrow money again.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Cleansing...

In order to cleanse all of our minds of memories from my past few posts, here is a little something that should brainwash you.

*Begin*




*End*

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Overtyped...



The following is an anonymous email relay that occured last night.

Enjoy...
Person 1 will be in red.

Person 2 will be in blue.
-----------------------
...I will say though, you look great in tube socks and running shoes. Keep up the good work.
You're looking a little grey around the nuts though..
I pluck them
Oh Jesus..
HAHA, I'm laughing out loud.
You must be smoother than a baby's ass.
Great way to avoid ingrown hairs though
baby's ass with wrinkles
EWW
I knew it.
SBS
Saggy Ball Syndrome.
You can get Bagtox for that!!
just a lift will do. I'll wear them on my chest.
Chestnuts!!
Holy shit, I almost spit out my pepsi. Amazing.
You're almost as funny as me!!
That was my intent darlin'
Actually not even a black one left!!!!
HAHAHA.. Stop, you're killing me.
I'm actually going to post this as a conversation tomorrow. You know that right?
yur not grounded, yur cut off!!! lol
And you can't cut me off, I'm flesh and blood.
We'll see what kind of hilarious spin I can put on those emails.. You guys are fair game now.. Now that I've actually crossed that line, It's on!!!

----------

That is all.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Oh Dear God...








I figure since I blogged about the other members of my family, I would throw my dad in there.

I know that my mema will appreciate the tube socks since apparently, he's not even wearing those right now.

*Shudder*

Please send all your donations to my email address so that I can attend therapy.

Thank you.

I Went Down...




So, I'm on the phone with mema and she's telling me that she's in pain.

I ask why.

Turns out she, and I quote, "Went down like a 200 pound tubby" on the porch today.

I guess it's slippery and my poor mema slipped and fell.

We think she threw her hip out.

I'm going to go watch some BET and call Jedderdone and then we'll see how she's feeling.

Please join me in prayer services.

Thank you.

This Is What It's All About...

This, my friends, is what Valentine's Day should be about...


Donkey Show...




The following is a snippet of IM between myself and Kip. (My Brother)

We were discussing the fact that I was going to steal the new rental and go to Mayheeco.

Hilarity ensues..
______

kip says:
any idea how long its going to take?
J says:
Yeah, tis super cool. I almost don't want to give it back...
kip says:
ha. bail and steal it
J says:
Who knows, it's just recently gotten towed, at about 4 they came to get Carl.
J says:
I know.. I'll be in f overnight. i'll need money and food.
kip says:
no prob
kip says:
going to mexico?
J says:
Tijuana.
J says:
Coming?
J says:
I already reserved you a place at a donkey show.
kip says:
love donkey shows
J says:
I thought so. What about the sex of the donkey? Have a preference? Costumes? Props?
kip says:
sailor suits and tutus
kip says:
im very specific
J says:
LMFAO
J says:
There will be jello wrestling too.
kip says:
love it. mexico is sweet
J says:
What about M?
kip says:
she'll hop on a plane and meet us
J says:
Ok, after work? She'll need her passport. Or to flash her rack.
J says:
Either will do.
_________
Yes, we're disfunctional. We love it. So do you.

Only Me.../Winter Storm Watch 2007...



So.

If you read the last post, you know that I had a premonition of sorts.

Rather, I said something, felt a certain way, and the complete opposite happened.

This, in itself, is not unusual.

Please take a moment of silence and pray for Carl.

Carl was hit today.

Carl was hit bad.

The corner of Carl's backside is pretty smashed in.

The light that used to shine from Carl's ass?

Burnt out.

The joy I used to get from looking at Carl's rearview?

Gone.

Why, you ask?

Well, it's because of a silly little man in a silly little plow.

The snow started at approximately 2:00 pm.

I know this because as I'm sitting at my computer innocently chatting with a friend, I see a plow drive by in what can only be described as what I thought was diligence in wanting to get a jump on things.

Notsofuckingmuch.

Instead, "Mr. I'm going to get out early and drive my plow truck around for no apparent reason and hit innocent little silver cars named Carl" decides to smoke my car on his way down the hill.

Apparently, this foolish little man had just come back from the local coffee shop from a "pee" and was going around the block.

Carl just got in the way.

Carl is now on his way to the repair shop.

Cold, alone, he doesn't know where he is! Don't you understand?

I'll see you soon, Carl.

I'll see you soon.

Poor innocent little Carl.

Bow your heads for Carl.

Say a little something.

Thank you.

---------------

Storm Watch!!!

There is snow!

It is NOT stormy.

Yet.

I will keep you updated.

Memories...




Last night while on the phone with mema at approximately 11:30 pm, I said something.

Something that I now know was foreshadowing.

I said:

"Nobody can hit my car where I'm parked! Even if we get a boatlod of snow, I'm good because nobody can hit me."

*Cue ominous music*





Frost Watch 2007...




I may change the name of the post to Frost Watch instead of Storm Watch...



Zzzzzzz
**Update: I see Frost. **

Winter Storm Watch 2007!!! (2)

So far, no snow.. All is clear.

Over and Out.

Pfffft...


Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Winter Storm Watch 2007!!!




Apparently Winter Storm Watch is now on...


I, for one, think this is a load of bullshit.


Sure, we'll get a few inches of snow*, but will it be enough to incapacitate us?


We'll see.


Stay tuned to Winter Storm Watch 2007 for up to the minute posts and quiet laughter.


*I know, I'm Canadian, we technically term things in centimetres and the like, but I'm not normal. If you've been reading this long and still don't know that, I don't know what to say to you...*

Can't Hardly Wait...


Okay, so I am feeling extra hilarious and giddy tonight.

There may or may not be a reason for that.

But I digress...

In honor of my hilarity and giddiness, here is another disturbing post.

I simply can't help myself.


*Need somewhere special to put your pen? Why not shove it in my dog's ass?*

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Shit...


This is how it went down:
Date: Sunday, February 11, 2007
Time: 8:30 pm
Place: My Kitchen
Those Present: Me, Jack, Todd
Details: I was cutting apples to make a solo serving apple crisp.
Mid slice, the butter tub gets in the way.
Knife catches on butter tub.
I shanked myself.
Blood ensues.
I still have all my fingers.
You can all sleep easy tonight. I'm okay.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Disturbing...

I bring to you a new weekly installment.


You can thank me later.

Trust me, you will.

*That's correct, the goat is nursing that baby.*


Possible Second Job Idea #2



This second possible job idea could potentially net me a lot of money.

For this reason I will not discuss it in detail.

I know, the suspense is killing you.

If you must know, email me.

I may or may not tell you the truth.

I will say, though, that I'll be rich soon. (potentially)

And you all have to buy it.
Or else.

Possible Second Job Idea #1...




If you ask my mother what I used to do during breaks at the Bed and Breakfast I managed some years ago, she would tell you that I used to email her soft core porn exerpts that I'd write.

I know, hilarious.

Seriously though, I think I could have a career writing.

I love it. (writing, not porn...nevermind, I love porn too...)

Plus, I'm a perv.

With a potty mouth.

I think if I really put my mind to it, dedicated the time, and had some inspiration, I could truly write a mean soft core porn book.

Would you buy it?
**If you will only buy my book if it includes hardcore smut, I'll write it, but you can't tell my parents. I don't know if I'm comfortable knowing that they might buy it too... Not because they're prudes, or would be disappointed in me, but because they might think it's okay to read together and/or re-enact. I am not prepared for that. At all.**

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Pick and Flick...




Can I just tell you that the Swiffer Carpet Flick is my new best friend?


Seriously, I'm in love.


That thing is amazing.


That is all.

The Kittays!!




Yeah, I'm a loser.

So?

Monday, February 05, 2007

It Was A Neck Snappin' Good Time...


Picture it:

It was a blustery day.

There was snow everywhere.

About 4 inches of it was resting peacefully and undisturbed on my car.

I am getting ready for work.

I decide that I should clean the car off before I dry my hair.

I go out in a pair of fleece pants, no bra, a hoodie, and a coat.

Armed with car keys and a heavy duty scraper, I begin the tedious task of brushing/scraping Carl.

Once task is complete, I replace scraper, lock the car door, and proceed to shuffle towards my front door.

Notsomuch.

Instead of making it safely to the warmth of my apartment, I end up somehow laying tits up in the middle of the street.

I had slipped on a patch of invisible ice.

My legs went out from under me, my arms flail, and I land on my tailbone.

The vision you are undoubtedly picturing is not unlike that of a baby giraffe taking its first steps.

I lay in the middle of the street for a few more moments before somewhat hurridly picking my frail and battered 87 year old body off the road.

I shuffle to the door in agony.

I complete the drying of my hair, all the while cursing like a trucker.

My back still hurts like hell today.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

My New Work Out Video...




And yes, I wear the unitard.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

My Beaver...


Check it out!!!


My Little Beaver!
**Since I STILL cannot reply to posts, I'll say to you:
Nobody: You're more than welcome. Now, isn't a picture of my Little Red Beaver better than a picture of my rack?
g-man: Thanks. *Blush*
Dave Evans: Technically there is only a three year warranty, BUT, my beaver hasn't been used in over three years. Which means that the warranty is at the very least tripled. Possibly worth more.
UPDATE #2:
*Big Orange: I KNOW!! I truly hope it's like riding a bike...