Cookie Ears came into the store tonight.
Her ears look even bigger since she's wearing earrings that appear to be fashioned out of giant sequins.
Her earrings could actually be a brooch that you see on an 89 year old woman.
Just thought you'd like to know.
There's a lady at my Head Office who I more often than not butt heads with.
I like to call her Ping Pong.
I believe that she lives to make my life a living hell.
She probably gets up in the morning and thinks about what she can conjure up to piss me off.
She always wins.
She's my Newman.
She often calls me about the most trivial things and while I try to retain my composure, I often crack.
I try to devise a new plan everyday for ways to get her fired.
She's dumber than a bag of rocks.
Her voice is shrill, not unlike the sound that very, very long fingernails might make while raked across a freshly cleaned chaulk board.
If I ever come home and post something snarky, it's probably because I've spoken with Ping Pong at least once in the day.
I know I shouldn't take her idiocy out on you but I can't help it.
She really gets under my skin.
A snippet from today's conversation:
"Hiiiiiii Boob Ladyyyyy, it's Pinggggggg Pong!"
"Hi."
"I don't understand what happened heeeeeere..."
I explain.
"Nooooo, I don't understand."
I reiterate my previous sentence, speaking ever. so. slowly.
"No, no, no..."
"YES PING PONG."
"No, no, I don't understand..."
Again, I restate my previous points.
"Ok, ok, ok, ok... Nevermind, I will feegure it out."
"Thanks."
"Byeeeeeeeeeee!"
Click.
She makes me want to stab my ears with rusty spoons.
She's so bad that I've bumped her up in place of my previous, years long arch nemesis.
Anyone who knows me knows that my decades old arch nemesis is a big deal, I don't just replace her easily.
She's rightfully earned her place on my shit list.
You'll get yours Pong.
You'd better watch your back.
As much as it pains me to do this, I'm going to send some more readers over to Gregg's site.
We had a lovely conversation last night in which he interviewed me over the telephone.
He takes hard hitting topics and grills me to the core.
Go check it out, you'll get to find out all about me and hear my sexy Canadian voice for yourselves!
I need some advice kids...
Spiderman 3 or Wild Hogs?
It's pretty much a gimme right?
Wild Hogs?
To the lady with the ears as big as giant chocolate chip cookies that I saw at the mall today:
Please, please, please put those mother fucking giant cookie ears away.
At least put your hair over them.
They were huge.
Unsightly.
You're like some kind of giant cookie ear monster.
I'm scurred.
Sincerely,
The Boob Lady
**READER DISCRETION ADVISED**
Jdogg:Hey
QT-Pie:Hey
Jdogg:whats goin on
QT-Pie:Nothing. Who are you?
Jdogg:Jdogg. Wanna cyber?
QT-Pie:what does that mean?
Jdogg:what are you wearing?
QT-Pie:T-shirt. Jeans.
Jdogg:Garter belt?
QT-Pie:Ummm...no.
Jdogg:Are we gonna cyber or not?
QT-Pie: uh, okay.
Jdogg:Sweet, I start by rubbing your ass all around. You love this.
Jdogg: You're wet already. I can smell your pussy stink from here.
QT-Pie: WHAT?!
Jdogg: I execute standing position 12 from the Kama Sutra. Passion fills the room. Your head is close to the ceiling fan.
Jdogg:You leave everything to jdogg.
Jdogg:I am completely inside of you. You are my dick puppet. I put on a little play.
QT-Pie:This is weird. I should go.
Jdogg: I drop you on the ground, and lay a stripe down your back.
QT-Pie: A stripe?
Jdogg: I need a sandwich.
QT-Pie: You're a freak.
Jdogg: I was great. You loved it.
I'm sorry.
There is no excuse for what I am about to do.
I truly am sorry.
I found this over at TubaPants.
It has had me completely enraptured for the last 24 hours or so.
I want to stop. I really do.
I just can't.
Notice I'm not swearing in this post either?
I'm exhausted.
I don't have the energy to cuss.
If you have a spare 32487253987 hours to devote to something, go on over and do the "Impossible Quiz."
If not, go check it out anyway.
You'll thank me.
Wait, no you won't.
You're going to hate me.
It's worth it.
Tonight, I told Mema that I had the names picked out for my as yet unborn children.
They shall be Mickey for a boy, and Trudy for a girl.
I imagine that they will look something like this:
Trudy shall have dark hair like her mother. (Me) She will need coke bottle gogs, and will need to shave at least twice daily. Her mullet is purely for style. I imagine that she'll be this weight at birth which will leave me, her mother, with a floppy, shaved roast beef-like vajayjay for life. No man will come near me again.
Mickey shall look somewhat like Mr. Bean. He will have beef tits and will need a diaper change long into adulthood. He will have a receding hairline starting at birth that will never grow in. Rogaine will not help. His motor skills will be limited due to the fact that he will have hot dog hands.
J-Dogg: I see you in line at the supermarket. Our eyes meet.
Partner8: Who the fuck are you?
J-Dogg: I mouth the words to you, as if in slow motion:
J-Dogg: Fuck me, Fuck me.
J-Dogg: My wishes are like poetry in your eyes. We want this moment to last forever.
Partner8: OMFG are you trying to cyber me?
J-Dogg: We are like two dancers, for whom the music never stops. I Kiss the top of your hand. You are taken aback by the bulge that forms in your thigh.
Partner8: Is that like cancer?
J-Dogg: If cancer is our love, then I hope you don't have the technology of chemotherapy.
Partner8: Good one romeo.
J-Dogg: You grab the bulge that you feel. you think it must be taking over your mind, there's
nothing else you can think of. My tubesteak to you is like a beautiful japanese haiku.
The salmon swim at night.
Towards your room.
The snow and the moon.
Partner8: that was never a haiku.
J-Dogg: To your light bulb I am the Thomas Edison of your sex. Without my light you would be lost in a sea of darkness.
Partner8: That made even less sense than your "haiku"
J-Dogg: So you ready to fuck then?
Partner8: You unbutton my pants, spew your load at the sight of my underwear, and your spent.
J-Dogg: ...
Partner8: ?
J-Dogg: I'm spent.
Oh Chuck Norris, you silly bastard you.
Ok folks.
Seriously.
Do you do a ton of karate kicks?
I know I do.
When I do, I want to be sure that I'm wearing my Chuck Norris Action Jeans.
If you read the ad closely, you'll notice that they won't bind your legs.
The unique "hidden gusset" will allow you to do your most fancy moves and not rip the crotch of your pants.
Cause, really, who wants to see your nut/vulva when you're doing your best roundhouse.
Amazing.
PS: Little known fact about Chuck Norris? They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
Partner6: So you're really a 18 yr old girl right?
J-Dogg: Yeah, J for Julie.
Partner6: So whats with the "Dogg"
J-Dogg: Uh, It's cause I'm into the latina gangs and shit. You know, rollin with tha homies and shit.
Partner6: Oh, uh ok thats cool. So you ever seen a gun?
J-Dogg: Yeah like I got 6 guns.
Partner6: Thats cool, so you wanna see my gun?
J-Dogg: hehe, of course baby.
Partner6: I pull off my pants and show you my "gun".
J-Dogg: Ohh, it's so big.
Partner6: Yeah, what you want to do?
J-Dogg: Umm, i guess stroke it or something.
Partner6: It likes that.
J-Dogg: aight.
Partner6: Keep talking to me baby...
J-Dogg: I kiss you on the mouth, hard, but then gently.
Partner6: Mmmm, daddy like.
J-Dogg: I unzip my pants...
Partner6: Yes, show me what you got.
J-Dogg: I pull out my schlong, and rub it on your breasts...
Partner6: WTF?!
J-Dogg: Oh shit, I meant, your schlong! your schlong!
Partner6: I've had it with you queers trying to cyber me, I only fuck women...
J-Dogg: Shit just don't shoot me man, I wasn't serious about the guns I have, I'm unarmed!
Partner6: You dipshit.
J-Dogg: I whimper to myself...
J-Dogg: please don't shoot me Mr.
Rumour has it that there was a Boots sighting at the mall yesterday.
Sadly, this occurred on my day off.
Darn.
Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
MommyMelissa: Sure, you into vegetables?
Bloodninja: What like gardening an ****?
MommyMelissa: Yeah, something like that.
Bloodninja: Nuthin turns me on more, check this out
Bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes.
(pause)
MommyMelissa: is that it?
Bloodninja: You water your tomato patch.
Bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce?
MommyMelissa: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables... Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
(pause)
Bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach... Sexily.
Bloodninja: I ride your buttocks, like they were amber waves of grains.
MommyMelissa: Grain doesn't really turn me on... I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis.
Bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots.
Bloodninja: Damn baby your right, this s**t is HOT.
MommyMelissa: ...
Bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.
MommyMelissa: What the f**k is this madlibs? I'm outta here.
Bloodninja: Yah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see. Bitch.
MommyMelissa: whatever.
I added some new links to the side bar.
You know who you are!
For those of you that frequent the Boob Lady, you'll recognize the new ones.
Take a peek! I'm sure you'll enjoy.
Who doesn't want one of these?
Guys; it'll maximize her pleasure. Yours too! I promise.
Gals; Please! You have to do virtually NO work!
It's win, win!
Plus, the glow in the dark feature means that you'll never have to look at porn in the dark anymore!
*Phew*
Bloodninja:Wanna cyber?
DirtyKate:OK, but don't tell anybody ;-)
DirtyKate:Who are you?
Bloodninja: I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot
Bloodninja:And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's in my Geo Storm.
DirtyKate:You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..
Bloodninja:Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an order
DirtyKate: Haha! OK
DirtyKate:Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce.
Bloodninja:Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John's, how may I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want?
DirtyKate:I want everything, baby!
Bloodninja:Is this a delivery?
DirtyKate:Umm...Yes
DirtyKate:So you're bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I'm home alone... and I think I'll take a shower...
Bloodninja:Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I'll drive to your house.
**pause**
DirtyKate:I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry up!
Bloodninja:You can't hurry good pizza.
Bloodninja:I'm on my way now though
**pause**
DirtyKate:So you're at my front door now.
Bloodninja:How did you know?
Bloodninja:I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table.
Bloodninja:Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza oven
DirtyKate:Oooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all wet and cold. Warm me up baby
Bloodninja:So you're still in the bathroom?
DirtyKate:Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself.
Bloodninja:I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door....
DirtyKate:What the f**k?
DirtyKate:You perverted piece of s**t
DirtyKate:F**k
