Arch Nemesis...
There's a lady at my Head Office who I more often than not butt heads with.
I like to call her Ping Pong.
I believe that she lives to make my life a living hell.
She probably gets up in the morning and thinks about what she can conjure up to piss me off.
She always wins.
She's my Newman.
She often calls me about the most trivial things and while I try to retain my composure, I often crack.
I try to devise a new plan everyday for ways to get her fired.
She's dumber than a bag of rocks.
Her voice is shrill, not unlike the sound that very, very long fingernails might make while raked across a freshly cleaned chaulk board.
If I ever come home and post something snarky, it's probably because I've spoken with Ping Pong at least once in the day.
I know I shouldn't take her idiocy out on you but I can't help it.
She really gets under my skin.
A snippet from today's conversation:
"Hiiiiiii Boob Ladyyyyy, it's Pinggggggg Pong!"
"Hi."
"I don't understand what happened heeeeeere..."
I explain.
"Nooooo, I don't understand."
I reiterate my previous sentence, speaking ever. so. slowly.
"No, no, no..."
"YES PING PONG."
"No, no, I don't understand..."
Again, I restate my previous points.
"Ok, ok, ok, ok... Nevermind, I will feegure it out."
"Thanks."
"Byeeeeeeeeeee!"
Click.
She makes me want to stab my ears with rusty spoons.
She's so bad that I've bumped her up in place of my previous, years long arch nemesis.
Anyone who knows me knows that my decades old arch nemesis is a big deal, I don't just replace her easily.
She's rightfully earned her place on my shit list.
You'll get yours Pong.
You'd better watch your back.
18 comments:
I have mixed feelings about Ping Pong. On the one hand, she upsets the Boob Lady. We don't want the Boob Lady to be upset. We like the Boob Lady.
On the other hand, she makes the Boob Lady snarky. A snarky Boob Lady is an fun Boob Lady. Yay!
Note: exactly 10% of the words in the above two paragraphs were either "Boob" or "Lady".
20%. I meant to say 20%. 10% Boob and 10% Lady.
Start a rumor that she a) has herpes, b) used to be a man, or c) got herpes from a female impersonator. That always works like a charm.
Just answer all her questions with "What do you need to understand?"
You should "Hello....Ping Pong" her. If she's watched Seinfeld, she knows what that means.
Actually she doesn't sound like the Seinfeld-watching type.
I hate her already
I'm actually giggling right now at work reading this. PING PONG!
What a nickname! LOLOLOLOL!
"HELLO PING PONG!" (in the classic Jerry Seinfeld style of addressing Newman).
So who is the years long arch nemesis????? I'm thinking her name starts with an A and ends with a Y and the last name starts with a B. If so, we have matching arch nemesis'ssss.!!!! If not, you will have to add her to your list k!!!
XOXOX MOI
We have a shared "newman" in our office. This dude is like Michael (Steve Carell) from "the Office". Just as hairy and just as inept. Ours has the bonus of not being able to pronounce any foreign word correctly (and some english ones for that matter). It is a topic of great hilarity as we make fun of him, because he thinks that is is actually saying it correctly.
What is a woman without her arch nemesis, though. In some ways, they are a reflection of everything that we hate wrapped up into a single package.
I have an arch nemisis that has been at the top for a few years, too. I couldn't imagine anyone topping her! haha
I can probably get her whacked for you for around $200. Canadian. Less if she pisses the contractor off.
Flann?? Did you read this??
I had a boss once that made me crazy. Working with her left scars.
She stopped by my office to say good morning every f'ing day... not.
She came by every morning to discuss what was being worked on, blah, blah.
One morning as she walked out she actually said, "Have a productive day!"
She was a freaking psycho. Seriously.
Ping Pong sounds like a hot mess. It's inherent that females (the stupid bitches at least) get morbidly jealous of the pretty ones (you), so you're just gonna have to knock her one right in the kisser. The bitch will stop pissing you off in an instant. How can one speak when one has a fat lip?
Love ya Haggy...
Besos
Could you do something like this:
Ping Pong: "I don't understand what happened heeeeeere..."
Boob Lady: "Happened where?"
Ping Pong: "Heeeeere."
Boob Lady: "WHERE?"
Ping Pong: explains.
Boob Lady: "Nooooo, I don't understand."
Ping Pong: "Noooooo, I'm trying to teeell you, that I don't understand what happened--"
Boob Lady: "Ok, ok, ok, ok. . . Nevermind. I will feegure it out. Byeeeeeee!"
Click.
Captain: A snarky Boob Lady is indeed a fun Boob Lady! :) I did notice your ratio by the way, nice job!
Emma: I thought about that, but I'm sure it's probably true so it wouldn't hurt her feelings. That, or she actually IS a female impersonator.
Lynda: I try that too. She's got me beat... This time.
molly: I DO "Hello....Ping Pong." It doesn't work. I doubt she gets out much.
WAT: I'm glad I could make you giggle! That's exactly how I say it too. The girls at the store damn near piss themselves.
Anonymous: That makes a valid point. I now have THREE Arch Nemesis'. Wow. I'm snarky.
g-man: Do you guys openly mock "Michael?" I hope so.
Trouble: It's true. Though, I haven't met Pong, I imagine she's just as I picture her in my head.
Heather: I didn't think I could top mine either. Ping Pong has outdone herself.
Just Dave: Sweet Sassy. Email me your contact information and we'll start something.
Big Orange: I don't think so. She hasn't said anything. Do tell...
Anon. Blogger: Physical scars? When she said "Have a productive day!", did you punch her in the throat?
Crazy Eddie: Ping Pong is a hot mess! She drives me batty. I haven't met her yet, but if all goes as planned, I'll meet her in November. It is then that I will bust her balls. Love you more!! xo
Brian Mandabach: HAHAHA!!! I will definitely try that the next time!! Thank you!
Newman!!!! Hahahaha, Pingpong...do I know ping pong? Have we ever eat'n seafood with pingpong?
I am pretty sure that every person has their Newman.
Actually I think I have 3 or 4.
Enjoyed your writing.
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