Sad Crotch...

Okay, so I didn't do it.

Well, not completely...

I started, really, I did.

I wasn't fully prepared to flay myself out on a chaise lounge in some overpriced salon, so I bought a home Brazilian kit.

96.8% of it is still in the container in my purse.

Sweet Mother Fuck.

It hurt.

A lot.

I read all the instructions, prepared the "non-waxy, creamy" textured Satan GOO according to microwave directions.

Next, I spread it on as per said instructions, but since I'm a vagina waxing virgin, I started with a loonie sized drop of the horrible green sludge.

Notsofuckingmuch.

It was a "non-strip" kit, which meant you slather the shit on, wait a moment for it to cool, cock your leg up on the sink, pull up a small corner, brace yourself, bite down on a leather strap, and pull.

Long, sad story short, I look a wee bit like a cheetah downtown.

Schick it is.

Movin'...

Hey Kids,

I'm moving!

Not only am I moving out of my little crack shack, I'm moving into a real live house!!

My internet will be away until the 7th, and I know you're all thinking; "It's not like the bitch is posting anything lately anyway, I don't know why she thinks we care." but, I do.

Think you care that is.

Really.

Don't you?

I promise, I'll be back.

I literally open my Blogger every single day with the intention of posting something witty and clever, but I just can't do it.

My poor mind is frazzled and on overload.

Please forgive my asshole-yness.

Biscuits...

I totally saw Mother Fuckin' Cookie Ears at the mall the other night..

I damn near shit my pants.

Her flowing Brillo Pad hair was tucked ever so gently behind them, which only served to accentuate the sheer size of her mammoth hearing vessels.

Seriously, I can't shake her.

Perhaps that small hole I noticed in my neck last year around this time was actually a GPS unit Cookies had installed to keep track of me.

All I hear as I type this are the lyrics to Somebody's Watching Me, by Rockwell...

Creepy.

Let's Take A Trip...

To Brazil.

I'm going to need the ladies on this one..

Men, I'm sure you're going to comment as well..

So, girls, how do you feel about Brazilian waxing?

I'm on the fence..

Speechless...