Oh, how I've missed you..
Seriously, I thought about you every day.
Still do.
I don't know how I could treat you this way.
I'm a much better person than that.
I've slacked and that's just plain unacceptable.
I've got so many hilarious stories from the new store, I don't even know where to start..
I'm going to have to compile a short story book and send it to you all.
Would you read it?
I went to the pharmacy a few minutes ago to pick up a few amenities.
I get to the counter and the young gentleman who served me rings up my purchases and then tells me my total.
I hand over my money and my points card and he says:
"Thank you ma'am."
I snort a little and say:
"Ma'am!?"
(Completely kidding of course..)
He says:
"It's the polite thing to say!"
"Of course", I say.
He says; "Well, if you were in your twenties, I would have said Miss."
...
I am in my twenties.
For three more years.
Three FULL years.
DAMMIT!!
The following is my first guest post from none other that Captain Smack...
I'm sure you will be entertained!
-------
(In tonight's episode, The part of The Boob Lady will be played by Captain Smack.)
I never thought I'd be saying this, but I just don't get the kids today. Have you seen the new crop of kids? What is it with these idiots? They can't seem to do anything right. They can't drive worth a crap, they don't know the difference between a credit card and a debit card, they can't hold down a job. They have no sense of civic responsibility, they never show up at the polls on election day... they haven't bothered to learn to read or write or do math. Hell, most of the one's I've met don't even know how to walk or talk. No, they just lay around all day, drooling on themselves and making funny noises.
And, frankly, they smell weird.
These people contribute almost nothing to society, and yet they expect their “Mommies” to take care of them. It's truly pathetic. And the worst part is that that's exactly what these mommies do! They coddle them and fawn all over them, feed them, dress them, and tuck them into bed. They even bathe them, for crying out loud. And talk about attention whores – oh my GOD! These kids are almost as bad as Paris Hilton! They need almost CONSTANT attention. They always seem to want something.... if it's not attention they're after, then it's food. If it's not food, then it's a beverage. Sometimes they even want you to change their clothes because they have literally crapped themselves. Their “gimme gimme gimme” attitude never ends. And when they don't get what they want right away? They start crying. Next thing you know, here comes Mommy to sooth and pamper them until they're pacified. Personally, I find the whole thing a little sickening.
Look - I'm not trying to be insensitive here, ok? It's not that I have anything against this segment of society, but I say it's time to cut the little monsters off. No more free lunches. No more free rides. No more patting them on the back, I don't care how bad they have to burp. It's for their own good. If you keeping taking care of them and indulging their every whim, what chance do they have of making it in the real world?
But do I blame the kids themselves? No. The blame rests upon the shoulders of all these soft, bleeding heart parents, who think that it's their duty to “nurture” these kids, to “take care of” them, to “provide them with food, shelter, and clothing”.
Seriously, you should hear some of the excuses these enabler's use. They say things like: “But they're only children” or “They will starve if I don't feed them”. Another little pearl of wisdom I hear a lot: “But you have to learn to crawl before you can walk”. Oh, and let's not forget my favorite excuse: “But their prefrontal lobes have not yet fully developed, thereby making analytical and linguistic functioning virtually impossible”. Oh, cry me a river. It's almost as if these parents – especially the females, let's be honest – are somehow programmed to believe all this nonsense. It's almost like it's some type of built-in "biological drive" or something.
Well, I've had enough. I say it's time to cut the umbilical cord. I say it's time to ween them from their mother's teet. I say it's time for these kids to stop crying, straighten up, and start walking on their own two feet.
They're not getting any younger, you know.
Big Orange had a great idea.
He suggested that I have a guest blogger while I get back into the swing of things...
If you would like to guest blog, please, leave me a comment or drop me a line.. I would love to hear from you!!
I really am alive this time.
I've been going through some stuff and needed a breather.
I tapped the well dry.
Hopefully you still love me.
I miss you.
x
I'm alive!
Before you send out search parties, or a mob, I thought I'd make an appearance.
I'm sorry I've kept you waiting so long...
I'm a terrible person..
I know that.
I promise you though, that I will be back in full form soon.
I have seen great benefit come of my hiatus, I'm feeling refreshed, and ready to knock your socks off.
Don't break up with me yet.
x
Overheard while waiting in line to pay for my fill-up at the Gas Station convenience store:
Cashier: "Sir, did you have any gas with that?"
Man Carrying Rolaids: "No, just the rolaids."
*Blush*
Me: *Snicker.*
Guess who I saw today?
Mother fuckin' cookie ears!!!
I swear, she was trotting around the mall in a pair or high heel sneakers. Yeah, you know the ones.
Her earrings were BIGGER than ever!
I almost shat myself.
THEN... I went North in the city to the drug store, and lo and behold, in strolls cookie ears.
Sumbitch.
I can't shake her.
So, I've switched jobs.
I'm working for a top athletic retailer now.
Quite the shift from my previous employer.
So far, I'm loving it.
I went from slinging bras and panties to schlepping sneakers and insoles.
Who knew?
I'll have plenty of hilarious stories to tell soon, I've got a few under my belt already, I'm just waiting for the right time to spring them on you.
Thanks for sticking around, it means a lot.
Plus, feel free to call me whatever you like; The Boob Lady, The Foot Lady, I'll leave the title of the blog as is for now, until I find a name that suits it perfectly.
Hey Kids,
I'm alive..
I'm terribly sorry that I'm not commenting or blogging right now.
I started a new job and I've been working for what seems the last 203981203987 days.
I promise, I won't let you down.
I'll be back.
With a vengeance.
You'll see.
Stick with me.
x
Again, I use my freedom of speech to declare my love for a wonderful person in my life.
An amazing man, that, without his love, I wouldn't be who I am today.
Thank you for letting me be myself.
Thank you for talking to me about girl things, even though I'm sure you would rather not.
You listen to me bitch, you listen to me laugh, and you listen to me cry.
Never do you have a bad word to say to me. (Unless, of course, it's the "word of the day"...)
Thank you for being a rock in a sometimes unsteady pasture.
I count my blessings everyday for you, you know what I mean.
I can't imagine my life without you.
You help Mema pad the bank accounts, even though you're working so hard for that money.
You play endless amounts of online poker with me, and you stay up into the wee hours when I last longer. (Which is more often than you I believe...)
You laugh at my jokes, even when you don't get them.
You laugh so hard you cry when I make Mema laugh so hard that she's had to pass the phone over to you.
You support me in every choice I make, even when I'm not sure I'm making the right one.
You go along with it when Mema sends me care packages full of things that I should be able to get myself.
You leave love notes in those care packages, because you know how much I love getting them.
You love us unconditionally and tell us so.
You tell me how proud you are of me, no matter what I'm doing at the time.
You roll with it when I tell you my suspicions with regards to your listening to Enya.
You lovingly call me the dog's name and then hilariously pretend you didn't do it. (Or, you do it on purpose.)
Contrary to what they say, you make me feel like I can always come home.
No matter how far away I am, you always make me feel like we're so close.
Despite everything that we've all gone through over the years, you are, by far, my favorite man in the world.
I'll always be your little girl, I'll always be your baby.
You're always in my heart, thoughts, and a piece of you is put into everything that I do.
Thank you for loving me, for being a part of my creation, for being there whenever I need you.
You are a pillar of strength, a formidable human being, and you'll always be my hero.
Enjoy the day that was made for you.
Happy Father's Day.
I love you so much.
**Update: Turns out, it's Enigma, not Enya. My apologies.
I'm back kids.
I'm sorry I scared you.
I've actually just given my notice at the "Boob" place.
I'm going to let things fall into place.
I've earned some good karma I think, I intend to cash in now.
:)
I'll give you more details as they become available.
Thanks for sticking around!
You guys are the best.
(PS: I am still reading all of your blogs, I have just been sooo busy that I haven't had the time to comment on them all, be patient! I'll be with it soon!)
Overheard tonight:
Name Protected: "Did you hear about the new diet pill on the market?"
Me: No, what is it?
Name Protected: "Well, apparently, one of the side effects is that you'll pudding in your pants."
Me: "I'm sorry, did you just say "Pudding in your pants?"
Name Protected: "BWAHAHA!! Yes, I was just watching a pudding commercial."
Me: "..."
Hey kids...
I have some news.
I don't know how you're going to take it.
It's not you, it's me.
I just, I... Oh, God...
This is so hard.
Okay, I'm just going to say it.
I'm not going to be the Boob Lady anymore.
Jenn over at Stiletto Heights nominated me for a Thinking Blogger Award.
I'm so honored!
Who knew that this little ol' Boob Lady would make someone think!
Thanks Jenn!
