Carlma...

Dear Carl,

Thank you so much for your lovely letter.

I appreciate it.

I really do.

Let's get one thing straight.

I pay for you.

If I stop said payments, you're a goner.

How do you like them apples?

Me telling people I want to drive you off a bridge was nothing.

Wait 'til you get a load of what they're going to hear tomorrow.

That Versa has more balls than you'll ever have, you pussy.

Turns out that Kia sucks donkey balls.

You're lucky that I didn't kill you off long ago.

By the way?

Your Magic 8 Ball can suck my left tit.

Oh, and about this morning...

Yeah, this morning, remember?

Around 11:45?

Ring a bell?

That's about the time that your sorry ass decided to conk out on me in the middle of daytime traffic.

I bet you had as much fun as me coasting uphill through three lanes of traffic, only to come to a complete halt in the middle of a convenience store parking lot at an angle.

The wait for a tow truck sure was sweet wasn't it?

Bet you didn't know that Mamma could swear so much did you?

About those lights you so generously left on for me last night?

Genius.

Thanks for that.

You're an asshole.

I think it's awesome that I got to spend $500.00 this afternoon fixing the alternator on your broke ass.

I really didn't want the money anyway.

Especially since I'd just paid off my Visa.

You're a real champ.

We'll see how tough you are when I go trade you in next week.

But, then again, you're worthless, so they're going to laugh me out of the dealership.

You'd better sleep with one eye open, MY FRIEND, since you're the piece of shit that's going to be turned into scrap metal.

I did you a real favor by calling you a tuna can that time.

I actually made it appear as though you were worth more than you are.

You're a sorry excuse for a car.

Don't you "fuhgettabout" THAT.

I'm going to haunt your dreams.

Love,
The Boob Lady