There is no excuse for what I am about to do.
I truly am sorry.
I found this over at TubaPants.
It has had me completely enraptured for the last 24 hours or so.
I want to stop. I really do.
I just can't.
Notice I'm not swearing in this post either?
I don't have the energy to cuss.
If you have a spare 32487253987 hours to devote to something, go on over and do the "Impossible Quiz."
If not, go check it out anyway.
You'll thank me.
Wait, no you won't.
You're going to hate me.
It's worth it.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Tonight, I told Mema that I had the names picked out for my as yet unborn children.
They shall be Mickey for a boy, and Trudy for a girl.
I imagine that they will look something like this:
Trudy shall have dark hair like her mother. (Me) She will need coke bottle gogs, and will need to shave at least twice daily. Her mullet is purely for style. I imagine that she'll be this weight at birth which will leave me, her mother, with a floppy, shaved roast beef-like vajayjay for life. No man will come near me again.
Mickey shall look somewhat like Mr. Bean. He will have beef tits and will need a diaper change long into adulthood. He will have a receding hairline starting at birth that will never grow in. Rogaine will not help. His motor skills will be limited due to the fact that he will have hot dog hands.
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 10:49 PM
J-Dogg: I see you in line at the supermarket. Our eyes meet.
Partner8: Who the fuck are you?
J-Dogg: I mouth the words to you, as if in slow motion:
J-Dogg: Fuck me, Fuck me.
J-Dogg: My wishes are like poetry in your eyes. We want this moment to last forever.
Partner8: OMFG are you trying to cyber me?
J-Dogg: We are like two dancers, for whom the music never stops. I Kiss the top of your hand. You are taken aback by the bulge that forms in your thigh.
Partner8: Is that like cancer?
J-Dogg: If cancer is our love, then I hope you don't have the technology of chemotherapy.
Partner8: Good one romeo.
J-Dogg: You grab the bulge that you feel. you think it must be taking over your mind, there's
nothing else you can think of. My tubesteak to you is like a beautiful japanese haiku.
The salmon swim at night.
Towards your room.
The snow and the moon.
Partner8: that was never a haiku.
J-Dogg: To your light bulb I am the Thomas Edison of your sex. Without my light you would be lost in a sea of darkness.
Partner8: That made even less sense than your "haiku"
J-Dogg: So you ready to fuck then?
Partner8: You unbutton my pants, spew your load at the sight of my underwear, and your spent.
J-Dogg: I'm spent.
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 10:15 PM
Friday, April 27, 2007
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Oh Chuck Norris, you silly bastard you.
Do you do a ton of karate kicks?
I know I do.
When I do, I want to be sure that I'm wearing my Chuck Norris Action Jeans.
If you read the ad closely, you'll notice that they won't bind your legs.
The unique "hidden gusset" will allow you to do your most fancy moves and not rip the crotch of your pants.
Cause, really, who wants to see your nut/vulva when you're doing your best roundhouse.
PS: Little known fact about Chuck Norris? They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 11:23 PM
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Partner6: So you're really a 18 yr old girl right?
J-Dogg: Yeah, J for Julie.
Partner6: So whats with the "Dogg"
J-Dogg: Uh, It's cause I'm into the latina gangs and shit. You know, rollin with tha homies and shit.
Partner6: Oh, uh ok thats cool. So you ever seen a gun?
J-Dogg: Yeah like I got 6 guns.
Partner6: Thats cool, so you wanna see my gun?
J-Dogg: hehe, of course baby.
Partner6: I pull off my pants and show you my "gun".
J-Dogg: Ohh, it's so big.
Partner6: Yeah, what you want to do?
J-Dogg: Umm, i guess stroke it or something.
Partner6: It likes that.
Partner6: Keep talking to me baby...
J-Dogg: I kiss you on the mouth, hard, but then gently.
Partner6: Mmmm, daddy like.
J-Dogg: I unzip my pants...
Partner6: Yes, show me what you got.
J-Dogg: I pull out my schlong, and rub it on your breasts...
J-Dogg: Oh shit, I meant, your schlong! your schlong!
Partner6: I've had it with you queers trying to cyber me, I only fuck women...
J-Dogg: Shit just don't shoot me man, I wasn't serious about the guns I have, I'm unarmed!
Partner6: You dipshit.
J-Dogg: I whimper to myself...
J-Dogg: please don't shoot me Mr.
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 8:02 PM
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
MommyMelissa: Sure, you into vegetables?
Bloodninja: What like gardening an ****?
MommyMelissa: Yeah, something like that.
Bloodninja: Nuthin turns me on more, check this out
Bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes.
MommyMelissa: is that it?
Bloodninja: You water your tomato patch.
Bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce?
MommyMelissa: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables... Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
Bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach... Sexily.
Bloodninja: I ride your buttocks, like they were amber waves of grains.
MommyMelissa: Grain doesn't really turn me on... I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis.
Bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots.
Bloodninja: Damn baby your right, this s**t is HOT.
Bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.
MommyMelissa: What the f**k is this madlibs? I'm outta here.
Bloodninja: Yah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see. Bitch.
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 9:09 PM
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Who doesn't want one of these?
Guys; it'll maximize her pleasure. Yours too! I promise.
Gals; Please! You have to do virtually NO work!
It's win, win!
Plus, the glow in the dark feature means that you'll never have to look at porn in the dark anymore!
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 10:36 PM
DirtyKate:OK, but don't tell anybody ;-)
DirtyKate:Who are you?
Bloodninja: I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot
Bloodninja:And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's in my Geo Storm.
DirtyKate:You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..
Bloodninja:Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an order
DirtyKate: Haha! OK
DirtyKate:Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce.
Bloodninja:Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John's, how may I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want?
DirtyKate:I want everything, baby!
Bloodninja:Is this a delivery?
DirtyKate:So you're bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I'm home alone... and I think I'll take a shower...
Bloodninja:Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I'll drive to your house.
DirtyKate:I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry up!
Bloodninja:You can't hurry good pizza.
Bloodninja:I'm on my way now though
DirtyKate:So you're at my front door now.
Bloodninja:How did you know?
Bloodninja:I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table.
Bloodninja:Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza oven
DirtyKate:Oooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all wet and cold. Warm me up baby
Bloodninja:So you're still in the bathroom?
DirtyKate:Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself.
Bloodninja:I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door....
DirtyKate:What the f**k?
DirtyKate:You perverted piece of s**t
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 3:43 PM
Monday, April 16, 2007
Before leaving work tonight, I beheld such an astonishing sight it brought tears to my eyes.
I saw a woman.
A woman of about 60.
A 60ish woman in a cloak.
A red cloak.
She had on hooker boots.
Hooker boots OVER her jeans.
The best part of the whole ensemble?
It was delicately styled just so.
Her flaxen locks gave her an air of mystery.
Where is this woman from?
Does she know that her fashion sense is unparalleled?
Does she know that the RAT TAIL/MULLET COMBO is not cool??
I've dubbed it the: Mmmratlet.
Roll it off your lips.
It's fucking beautiful, isn't it?
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 10:14 PM
Bloodninja: I lick your earlobe, and undo your watch.
Sarah19fca: mmmm, okay.
Bloodninja: I take yo pants off, grunting like a troll.
Sarah19fca: Yeah I like it rough.
Bloodninja: I smack you thick booty.
Sarah19fca: Oh yeah, that feels good.
Bloodninja: Smack, Smack, yeeeaahhh.
Bloodninja: I make some toast and eat it off your ass. Land O' Lakes butter all in your crack. Mmmm.
Sarah19fca: you like that?
Bloodninja: I peel some bananas.
Sarah19fca: Oh, what are you gonna do with those?
Bloodninja: get me peanuts. Peanuts from the ballpark.
Bloodninja: Ken Griffey Jr. Yeaaaaahhh.
Sarah19fca: What are you talking about?
Bloodninja: I'm spent, I jump down into the alley and smoke a fatty. I throw rocks at the cats.
Sarah19fca: This is stupid.
Bloodninja: Stone Cold Steve Austin gives me some beer.
Bloodninja: Wanna Wrestle Stone Cold?
Bloodninja: Its cool stone cold she was a bitch anyway.
Bloodninja: We get on harleys and ride into the sunset.
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 10:09 PM
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Friday, April 13, 2007
Thanks to Blogger Idol, my poor Mema is now confined to her Jazzy with her lobster claws.
I can just picture her now, in her muumuu with her lavender-grey hair, cursing me for making her vote on Blogger Idol.
She's whizzing around town, shaking her claw, cursing the day I was born.
Thank you Blogger Idol, for making my mother of the future a decrepit old lady with colored hair, smoke hanging from her lipstick stained mouth, one big curler in the front of her hair that serves no purpose other than looks, one crippled hand on the controller for her electric wheelchair, whipping around corners, screaming "You fruits wouldn't know what to do with me."
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 9:50 PM
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Well, I'm now part of the "Sassy Six."
My poor mother will be in a cast and sling soon if this keeps up.
I can't believe that I've stayed in it this long and would like to thank Gregg for allowing me to be a part of such a hilarious entity.
Thanks for voting kids! Keep up the good work!
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 10:46 PM
BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 10:36 PM
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
I'm still in it.
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 11:24 PM
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 11:13 PM
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
My internet lovers Dave and Paul have given me the opportunity to show you the enigma that is the Boob Lady.
They've interviewed me and I've given them the best 5 minutes of their lives.
(The best 3 of mine...)
Go check it out!
The Atomic Blog is a must-see and I suggest you get your tails over there and learn all about Moi!
Thanks boys, it was great.
See you in the bedroom.
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 11:47 PM
If not, suck it.
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 10:05 PM
Monday, April 09, 2007
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 10:37 PM
We're all lobbying for votes to be the first ever Blogger Idol.
I thought we were going to keep it friendly.
I see today, however, that the smear campaigning has begun.
My blogging paramours over at The Atomic Blog have decided that they will start dragging us fellow contestants through the mud to further themselves.
It appears as though these two have forgotten who was there in the beginning...
Notice, their first post?
Notice the ONLY comment?
That's what I thought.
These two clearly harbor secret feelings for each other, but they're both too juvenile to admit it. I mean, come on...Paul calling shotgun for the "Pretend Blogger Prom?"
Myself, Erica, and Dirty have been faithfully commenting on their site.
With the exception of Dirty, since she's a judge, Paul and Dave are taking out their homosexual aggressions on us.
I don't dig it boys.
Your reign is over.
When I'm done with you two, you'll both be laying on the bed in your prom dresses, crying for your mothers, wilted corsages still on your wrists, wondering why the captain of the football team fucked and chucked you.
Bring it Bitches.
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 9:43 PM
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 10:14 AM
Sunday, April 08, 2007
Saturday, April 07, 2007
I normally post humorous type items for my "Disturbing" post, but tonight, I had to take a stand.
I couldn't live with myself if I didn't come forward.
This is possibly the worst case of child abuse I have ever seen.
I think you'll agree that these are not ideal living conditions for a child.
A child who cannot yet make his or her own decisions.
It's a tragedy if you ask me.
Some of you may have already seen this picture and some of you may have already voiced your opinions.
Please take a moment of silence with me.
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 11:18 PM
Friday, April 06, 2007
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Since so many of you have been willing to go the extra mile for your friendly neighbourhood Boob Lady with the Apple Jacks thing, I was hoping that I could send some of you on a hunt for me.
Think of it as your deed as a good citizen of the blogging world.
They're like the Sasquatch, or Nessie.
So far, elusive.
But we know they're out there! I swear!
My Mema and I have been on a hunt for these frigging candy bars for ages now.
This little piece of heaven was my raison d'être.
The last time we found them at the grocery store, we bought a case.
They're that good!
They didn't last long.
Please, I beg of you.
Look around, check the corner stores and bodegas, rob old people, do whatever it takes to find one of these puppies.
If you don't eat them first, which you probably will, please tell me, I'll do anything.
*There will be a reward offered for anyone who finds the first dozen Caravan bars.*
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 11:22 PM
By the power of Grayskull, I'm still in this thing.
Voting by fellow bloggers and regular Joes starts on Monday.
It appears as though the powers that be are actually taking Easter weekend off.
It's not like the Easter Bunny is not going to come to our houses if we continue to blog.
What did you just say about the Easter Bunny?
He's not what?
He's not rea...WHAT???
Shut yo' mouth!
Anyway I suppose it is the "resurrection" and all.
Okay, point proven.
Blog Break it is.
(I'll still be here, shining in the sky like the Bat Signal though, all your blog needs will be fulfilled. Don't panic. It's true. I'll keep writing. I'm a champ like that. Breathe now. In and out.)
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 10:25 PM
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
A is for apple, J is for Jacks.
Cinnamon toasty Apple Jacks!
You need a complete breakfast, that's a fact.
Start it off with Apple Jacks.
Apple Jacks! Apple Jacks!
Ten vitamins and minerals-that's what it packs
Apple-tasty, crunchy, too!
Kellogg's Apple Jacks!
Oh My God!
I can't get Apple Jacks here in Canada anymore.
That simple fact left me feeling very melancholy for a long time.
I used to eat these when I was a kid like they were going out of style.
Then, I found them again when I was in my late teens.
I bought as much as I could.
They disappeared again and left me feeling used and slightly dirty, like a one-night stand.
I wept softly and rocked myself to sleep that night.
A couple of years later, they resurfaced.
I bought more.
I ate more.
Turns out that they did, in fact, go out of style.
Looks like I'm fucking psychic.
A friend brought me some on Monday from Maine.
She went on a little road trip and thought of me while she was down there.
My box came with a fancy Shrek the Third nightlight sort of contraption.
You wear it over your ear.
It looks like I'm wearing a BlueTooth.
I look important.
Nobody knows it's a toy for a 4 year old.
I am now consuming Apple Jacks for every meal.
Usually in a wife beater and my underpants at the computer desk.
I'm not picky.
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 11:13 PM
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Today, while I was waiting in line to get a bagel for lunch, I heard what can only be described as a baby seal.
I look around, see nothing, and resume my air of nonchalantness.
As the crowd parts, the baby seal continues.
I notice then a young boy, probably around 5 or 6 years of age, with his ass hanging out of his pants standing next to what can only be his grandmother.
OR, his mother, since if that kid was mine, I'd look like I was about 87 too.
Anyway, he's just a' bobbin' and dancing around like he's the king of the donut shop, all the while, his jogging pants are sliding down a little more.
I supress my usual gag and move over to the next line.
If you've ever seen someone fall, or driven by a car accident, you know that it's nearly impossible to look away.
Much like it was this afternoon.
You want to stop looking, don't you?
But you can't.
This kid is huge.
I'm talking Maury Povich huge.
Like, so huge he's probably going to have to be crane lifted out of the wall they remove from the side of his house when he gets older since he's stuck to his couch and can't find the remote because it's stuck in the folds of his stomach since he ate t-bones for breakfast and so many KFC family buckets for bedtime snacks and woke up in the middle of the night for ding dongs and ho-ho's and probably has chicken wings stuck in his hair.
That kind of huge.
He was literally a back with a crack.
It was deplorable.
I am served next so I grab my bagel and make my way to the food court to eat and read in peace.
I am sitting for approximately 15 seconds when I hear a bark.
You guessed it.
They brought the barnyard to me.
Granny/Mom is barking (She's actually coughing, but it seems more like a bark to me) and the kid is making seal noises again.
He's totally hopped up on the KFC meal he just had and the 4 donuts he's got in front of him.
Thankfully he's sitting and I can't see his asscrack anymore.
I would have had to throw out a perfectly good bagel and that's just a waste!
**I should tell you that Phoque (French) translates to Seal in English.**
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 8:40 PM
Do you ever have one of those dreams where you really don't want to wake up?
You hit the snooze button as many times as you can before you actually have to get out of bed?
I had one of those last night.
It continued right through to this morning and every single time I woke up and fell back asleep, the dream just picked right up where it left off.
That rarely happens to me.
Rarely do I remember what I dreamt about too.
This one was vivid.
Please enjoy this sound clip.
It is the background music to my dream last night.
Close your eyes, relax, lean back, and dream with me a little.
*I should mention, this was a dirty dream and I was a bad, bad girl.*
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 8:06 PM
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 7:47 PM