Sunday, December 24, 2006
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Date: Thursday, December 21, 2006.
Time: 8:00 pm.
Place: Lingerie Store
Those Present: The Boob Lady, Drunk Pervert, Video Surveillance on wall.
Description of What Went Down:
I'm counting my till, preparing for the evening close.
In walks in Rico Suave.
Rico reeks. Smells like a distillery.
Strutting to the counter, Rico smirks at me.
I ask him if there's anything I can help him find to which he replies: "I need a matching bra and panty set."
I oblige in the beginning of the hunt.
Rico follows me around like a lost puppy while I show him some popular selections.
Rico decides that he's found the perfect gift.
I ask what size he's looking for.
He looks lovingly at my chest.
I suppress a gag.
He notices me looking oddly at him.
He then asks me to put a few different sizes of bras on the counter.
Once the bras are placed on the counter, Rico proceeds to stare each bra down and then slowly his hands creep up towards the counter ledge.
I wonder why he's acting so peculiar, other than the fact that he's clearly shitfaced.
Turns out that Rico simply wanted to cup all the bras in size sequence to see approximately what boob size he was looking to purchase the bra for.
I raise an eyebrow. (I'm good at that)
Rico decides on the 36 B.
I anticipate seeing this bra return to my store on the 27th of December when the mall re-opens.
**Open letter to drunk pervs**
Dear Drunk Perv,
Don't come in my store drunk and cup my bras after staring at my chest and deeming my hooters too big.
The Boob Lady
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 8:34 PM
Friday, December 22, 2006
The following is NSFW. (Not safe for work) I'm sure most of you normal people are all on "Vacation" now.
This video is simply amazing.
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 9:57 PM
Thursday, December 21, 2006
I can't friggin' wait.
T minus 3 days until the 24 best hours of the season.
In case you were wondering, yes, the answer is yes.
I will be sitting on the floor, drinking wine alone, in my underpants and watching this movie.
Over and over.
Anything starring Scut Farkus.
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 9:54 PM
I got meself tagged again, this time by Dirty.
A-Available or single?
B-Best Friend? Mema.
C-Cake or pie? Cake. Always Cake. Unless it's lemon meringue.
D-Drink of choice? Pepsi.
E-Essential item I use every day... Blistex.
F-Favorite color? Black.
G-Gummy Bears or Gummy worms? Gummy Worms. Sour ones.
J-January or February? February.
K-Kids and names... Nada. Two cats, that counts.
L-Life is incomplete without? Pepsi, candles and drunken sex. Or sex period. (I'll steal most of Dirty's answer)
M-Marriage date...Whenever I am cryogenically UNfrozen.
N-Number of siblings...1 younger brother.
O-Oranges or apples? Oranges. Unless I have Mema's Apple Crisp.
P-Phobias or fears? Car Accidents or being the crazy cat lady spinster.
Q-Favorite quote? "Balls!"
R-Reasons to smile...Christmas is almost over!
T-Tag 3 or 4 people...Jonah, Frank, and Amy.
U-Unknown fact about me... I don't like to sit on my couch. I very rarely sit on furniture, always on the floor.
V-Vegetable you don't like...Peas. Never have. Never will.
W-Worst habit...Swearing like a sailor.
Y-Your favorite food? Mema's Seafood Lasagna.
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 7:11 PM
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 11:09 PM
Please be over soon.
Seriously, I am so over you.
I am currently prepared to cancel Christmas altogether.
I have been working for a little over a week now, with 4 days to go.
This is sheer lunacy.
Mean customers, creepy mall lurkers, old ladies in stirrups and Christmas sweaters, hooligans, and screaming babies.
Make. It. Stop.
I can't handle much more of this.
I am tired, cranky, and completely unable to sleep properly.
I am beginning to develop a tic.
I've consumed entirely way too much Pepsi.
I may have also eaten my fair share of chocolates and cookies already.
I mean, come on, is it even right?
The answer is no.
Christmas is a time for sharing, for being with your family, for enjoying eachothers' company.
Not for buying exorbitant amounts of presents and pushing people around with empty shopping carts.
The Boob Lady
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 9:47 PM
This one's for you Chris... Although, my look-a-likes are a smidge hotter than your Capriati. That one will go down as a classic.
Oh, and never you mind about the whole "angry" looking thing I've got goin' on. Don't ask. I'm being sassy.
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 9:41 PM
Monday, December 18, 2006
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 11:46 PM
This thing is a piece of shit.
Pure, unadulterated turd.
My results will be postponed until tomorrow when this stinkin' site can process my "collage" without an error.
Chris, I know you'll take special enjoyment out of this, solely based on the fact that I made fun of you for looking like Jennifer Capriati.
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 11:15 PM
Another old bag told me my tits were huge at the store yesterday.
There was a witness to this travesty.
I almost couldn't believe that it happened again, literally, for the third day in a row.
K (My Assistant) just kind of stood there agape.
After aforementioned old bag said this, I smacked my fist in my palm and said: "Third day in a row... wow."
That was it, nothing more.
The old bag apologized.
Yeah, they're big. So?
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 11:06 PM
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
I should tell you that my panty table looks impeccable. Always.
Until men come in at quarter to nine and mess it up.
Out the door.
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 10:08 PM
This time, by Frank. I am to tell you childhood crushes. I'll spill, but it won't be pretty.
The first hardcore crush I can remember without straining my brain far back into my repressed childhood (I'm kidding...) is a boy I'll call J. We'd been in school together for as long as I can remember and were pretty inseperable. We'd sit together in music class, lingeringly touch hands under the desk, make googly eyes at eachother. I actually went to school with J up until high school graduation. We always stayed close, but never quite made the transition to boyfriend/girlfriend.
My next crush who I'll call JK was when I was in the 6th Grade. He was in 7th. I think that says it all. He was my first kiss. In a field, just outside his house. It was glorious. I still remember feeling like my lips were going to explode while I ran home. They were buzzing. Ah, the first kiss.
The next crush I go for here was a boy, B, that drove the ice cream cart in my neighbourhood. I flirted with my eyes while laying on a blanket on my front lawn every summer afternoon. He became my "boyfriend" not long after that but it didn't last. I think for me it was the thrill of the chase.
Another, was a guy that I went to high school with. I was in Grade 10, He was in 12th. We'll call him JP. (Turns out I had a thing for J's...) We lived pretty close to eachother (He was about 6 houses away) and walked to and from school or rode the bus together. Somehow, one day, (I'm sorry if you're reading this mom...) we ended up making out in a little cubby hole by the bathrooms. We'd do that literally every day. We'd never call eachother boyfriend or girlfriend, but just enjoyed hanging out.. Or making out. Whatever. (Again, mom, I am sorry)
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 12:07 AM
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
I forgot to tag again. I'm new to this whole "tag" thing, so here you go, again...
The five tag-ees for the "5 Songs to describe how I'm feeling right now" are: (in no particular order)
Marni, Chris, Jonah, Frank, and Hootch. Song away folks!!
PS: Last time I don't tag properly, I promise.
PPS: I still can't fucking comment. I even cleared my cache.
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 11:47 PM
Monday, December 11, 2006
She would like me to tell you the 5 songs that describe how I'm feeling right now.
So, without further ado, here they are.
1. Clap Hands - Beck (I love this song, I dance around the store when it comes on... Not a feeling per se, but still, I enjoy it..)
2. 12:59 Lullaby - Bedouin Soundclash (This song reminds me that I'm up until all hours of the night due to my insomnia because, although my body is exhasted, my mind is always running.)
3. Sweet Ones - Sarah Slean (Just like it)
4. Welcome to the Jungle - G 'n' R (Let's face it, I work in retail...)
5. Enjoy the Silence - Depeche Mode (Mostly cause I'd like to...)
That's it, nothing fancy.
I've got a great rack though, so I can get away with it.
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 10:57 PM
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 10:42 PM
I know that Thanksgiving is over.
For you American's, it's still fresh.
For us Canadians, it's been over for almost two months.
I would just like to say a quick thank you and then I shall resume my normal posting...
Thank you Britney.
Thank you for not showing me your vajayjay this weekend.
Thank you for keeping your pooter in your pants.
Your vajayjay ain't pretty.
In one picture (yes, sadly I looked... You did too, don't deny it) your vaj looks a little green.
I suppose mine would look green if it came anywhere near K-Fed's 007 too, but still.
We didn't need to see it.
Skanks again Britney, my weekend was lovely, and my eyes have finally stopped bleeding.
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 12:08 AM
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 10:55 PM
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 9:58 PM
Thursday, December 07, 2006
That should be pretty easy since you poor people haven't been coming here all that long.
That being said, here are my "Fancy Five"...
1. I have to talk to my mother every day. Seriously. If I don't, I feel very odd, like I'm missing a piece of me. I call her multiple times a day and she does the same when she can. She has a 1-800 (NOT 1-900 or 1-866 you perverts) at work, so I can call her for free.
2. I know all the words to Baby Got Back and sing it any chance I get. I like to kick it old school. True story: I called my mom one night (if you've read number one, you know this happens a lot) since I was alone in the apartment. When she picked up the phone, instead of saying "Hey Mema!" like I always do, I started to spit my rhymes. When I was done, I said I love you and goodnight. That was it. I could hear her laughing as I was going, but since we didn't talk afterwards, I can only assume that she peed a little and couldn't talk to me anymore that night.
3. I will NEVER be able to break my ankles. I've sprained them so many times that doctors have told me that it's virtually impossible that I'll break either one. **I often roll an ankle while standing completely still. It's like a party trick. People love me.
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 10:32 PM
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Well, let's just say if he hadn't given me a boost, I'd still be wallowing in the parking lot. Probably chain smoking and crying alternately.
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 9:59 PM
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 10:12 PM
Seriously. Yesterday was the day from Hell.
I exit the vehicle, squoosh up the stairs, shimmy out of my pants, peel off my socks, go to the bathroom, shut the door, sit on the edge of the tub, turn the hairdryer on full blasted heat, thaw out my toes and fingers and finally collapse on the couch.
My fingers regained their full range of motion and color this morning at approximately 9:00 am.
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 9:31 PM
Monday, December 04, 2006
I am considering this fine gentleman's take on life. I really wonder if it's wrong to tell the majority of your customers that they suck ass..
Is it really wrong???
I thought so, but still...
Sometimes, it would be so cathartic to say this to every douchebag that crosses the threshhold.
Fitted By The Boob Lady at 12:39 AM